Gimpy's Outlook-Take It Personal

Mood: Concerned About Soooo Much!

Post For June 30:
This past Sunday Jan and I went and seen Jack's Mannequin and The Fray - good show; Huge venue. And while we were off to the the side of the stage, close, we could see really well. Security was heavy down in our area as people kept trying to get up closer, especially after The Fray came on. And I have to admit, being a people watcher, it was amusing - "Hhmm? They act as though they don't belong. Will he (Security) Notice? ... Yep!"

I went before the show started and got Jan and I some beer and a hot dog - a mere $22! My neck was/is giving me significant problems as of late and I was having trouble walking distance - this sucks in a major way! I had/have to keep stopping and trying to readjust my neck to get the pain to let up in my ears/neck/throat/face/upper chest/arms. I usually end up with a headache to boot! I've been having trouble sleeping, waking often with such pain - and yeah, I'm on the verge of or in tears when it happens. Hanging upside down helps (sometimes), but because my joints are so flexible it kills my ankles - I have to hold my foot at a 90° angle to keep it from slipping right out of my Teeter Hang-Up. But the show was really good. Jan says she actually enjoyed it.

When I got up to get the beer and food I also picked up a couple pair of ear plugs - free; I know better. I offered Jan a pair and she asked me, "This is loud to you?"! This from the woman who yells at me constantly that my music is too loud! I said, "Ahh, yeah! Are you sure you ... don't ... want to ... put them in?" - I throw in a lot of pauses for affect when I speak; it's just me. What's that saying ... If you don't understand my silence you will never understand my words. I use silence, a lot and not just in the form of pauses. Jan didn't put in the ear plugs. Her ears rang all the way home. Me, I had no trouble. And I play my music too loud ... Ph-lease! I later, between acts, had to go out and get some fried dough - Yum! My neck was killing me, so I did my best to explain to Jan where to go to get wine - she ain't good with directions, crowds, knowing where we are, or how to get back. But she did it!

We took Cori out for her birthday. She wanted to go to Friday's. It was pretty dead and they almost forgot to sing her Happy Birthday. Cori's 20 years old. Always thought it would be my son I take to a bar when he turned 21, but it's going to be my daughter. My son is a lot like Jan and me, he really doesn't drink. I'm sure he has on occasion, but is like me (and Jan, some) in that it has to taste ... good - so that leaves out almost all mass produced American Beers. I'm foolish enough to spend $13 on a 4 bottle pack of imported double bock from Ayinger in Germany - good stuff. Jan has finally found a boxed wine that I will drink, but, you guessed it. It runs from $25-$30! But, it's the equivalent of 4 750ml bottles - it's called Black Box; I like the Chardonnay. If it don't taste good, I won't drink it. Unlike many, I don't drink for the effect!

It happened. Though I think he talked to Jan ahead of time (and maybe just before)(and probably Cori). Cori's BF told me about his grandmother making him move out at the end of the month (I already knew. And why did he wait until the last day of the month when he had to be out to ask?). Grandma's taking in another relative and claims there just isn't room for him (she's even told him he's not the schooling type! Lovely, even I have more confidence in the boy or I would never have offered assistance). The kid is working and enrolled in school that he'll be starting in the fall. He mentioned he needed a place to go (Hmmm? I could think of quite a few places ...) and he asked if I (we) might be able to help him. Jan and I have already talked about this - lead to a slight argument because Jan can't recall facts - and I would still want to talk to Cori ... alone. Really no different than the help we offered another that Eric was dating years ago. Jan has helped get the BF setup pretty much with school, job, and even health insurance from the state since he's on his own. I'm purposely distancing myself from all this crap this time. Though I weigh in with comments and suggestions to Jan in her assistance and make her think about things she's not considering or even thought of - honestly, I do care. I wanted a written proposal about his staying, but Jan said, "No." She doesn't think we'd need it. Personally, I just want to cover all the bases - Stuff has happened before between Cori and the BF in the past.

Well, the BF is staying here now. I had a talk with him, I understand his ADD and explained I can be a tad bit OCPD (Actually more a Normal Perfectionist) ... so, he just needs to pick up after his sorry a$$ self and not move or touch my stuff (LOL). I warned him about things I may say or do and that there is always a reason behind it. I use words and satire (actually act things out) to point out things and to teach, and that he should listen, pay attention, and not take offense. Just LEARN from it - my kids had too. It's funny, he sat in my chair at the dining room table one day awhile back. And I stared at him and kind-a went off. I never, ever sat in Jan's dad's chair at the table or the chair he used in the living room! I just could not do it ... it's a weird respect thing - it was not until he passed that I assumed the head of the table at his house (Jan's mom put me there!) and Eric the other end. I mean, as Jan and I spent more time together dating and he trusted and understood me, unlike Jan's mom, I was promoted to the other end/head of the table. Yeah, it's all weird male testosterone based posturing (it actually goes much deeper, has meaning, and is serious). But it's the way I was raised, how I know to show respect, how Jan's dad was raised; And is no different than what I expect. Though I never taught Eric this directly (through action, yes), he acts and shows respect in the same way.

If some strange boy friend of your daughter's came in and sat in what is known as your chair at the head of the table while you were home, I think most males would feel the same as I did even if they said nothing - no matter what, they would form an opinion about the guy, either consciously or subconsciously. And nothing was ever explained/said when I was young ... it was just understood. I also got after the boy for lieing to me (many times) - the worst thing you can do. I told him that I've already got a pretty good idea of what he's like and I asked him to, "... please prove me wrong ...", he's getting a chance. A chance I would not normally give someone with such a history. Yeah, and all for the sake of my daughter.

I stress the conditions of our hospitality; Any drinking, smoking, or drugs - on or away from the house - and he's out! I stressed this heavily to the boy. I also told him he's never to touch any of my firearms if he comes across them - Out, if he does. Then I find out he's fired my BB/Pellet gun (and Cori allowed this!?) I warned him again and reminded him again as I have in the past, "YOU DO NOT JUST GO IN AND TOUCH ANOTHER GUYS, OR ANYONE'S, STUFF WITHOUT PERMISSION .. ASK! ... EVER! AND QUIT TOUCHING MY STUFF YOU DON"T HAVE ANY REASON TOO!" There's more to this; like unwrapping my Wii games and playing them before I did! And my new gun for the game! And neither he - nor my daughter - take care of things like I do; and yes I know I'm a bit OCD, but it's why my stuff lasts much longer then normal. Hell, Cori's laptop she got for graduation last fall looks worse then my 5 year old laptop that's traveled all around the country with me on the motorcycle and flying! A laptop that Jan now uses! They both need to learn a little respect and restraint.

There isn't any payment expected except to listen to the rules and respect what is not his. But this ain't no free ride either. He'll be expected to help or do things around the house - help Jan and me. It can be difficult to keep the poor kids attention and keep him on track. I've not watched him doing something he enjoy immensely, so don't know how he does in that situation. I did have Jan talk to him and see if he's still taking meds for it and if not, ask if it may be a good idea to start before his intense schooling starts - a reason for getting him on the State's insurance; I know he could not afford it right now. No one else thought of or considered this - I really want him to do well.

All the dogs have been to the vet's for their checkups and shots. Obi (Ben) has been chipped (RFID Chip implanted subcutaneous) today - all my dog's have been. All the dogs are in excellent health and the vet has even commented about the two older ones looking so good. Finally got Jan to get some new toys for them - we had some time to kill before the concert started Sunday. Obi was so happy when I brought out the toys - he was just wagging his tail so hard he almost fell over!

I've moved a baby bunny into the house. The dogs found the nest. Mom stayed around for awhile. The dogs didn't hurt the baby bunnies, but one was moved from the nest. I put him back with his sibling still in the burrow. I recovered the borrow with moms fur and grass and then arched some chicken wire over it - just a half circle hunk so mom, the doe, could still get in and out. And dogs could not bother them easily. Seems mom never came back and something got the one rabbit and eviscerated it right near the burrow - whatever it was, it was big and pushed part of the chicken wire in on itself - the dogs never went out by themselves and were watched always. But, there are other dogs around - the reason for the pellet gun by the door. The other rabbit, eyes now open, was on the bottom of the burrow - there were only two. So, I had to take him in today and set up a place to keep him - the outcome is usually not good with doing this, but the vet even felt that mom may not be back. Nothing to lose, so I've been feeding him warm whole milk with a little honey. He's kind-a got the hang of it, but like I say, I've not done this since I was a child and the outcome - even the vet confirmed this - is not always good. So far though, he lets me hold and feed him and has taken to moving some. Yes, I used to like to hunt and still enjoy wild game, but I'm not heartless.

Jan made a Polynesian Pork dish the other night and I took the scraps and boiled them with some seasonings and chicken bullion. I then emptied some of the water and added a little corn starch and made the dogs a gravy'ed treat - see, it looks good. They definitely liked it - they sit until I tell them it's OK to eat; they listen to me. I've been trying to grab more of the scraps Jan trims off things - anything - and prepare them for the dogs.

I took my motorcycle in on Tuesday - it coded just before I took it. I showed them that it was still coding, but that I don't think it's the problem, only a symptom. Seems this area has a new District Manager and they didn't know of the change - my dealer. The new DM has yet to return their call. This is a weird problem and they need an OK to do something's different than what is recommended in the manual - it just doesn't cover this. The Fuel Injection MAP Sensor has been replaced ... something else is wrong - still think it's the ECM (Engine Control Module). I have video with sound and the Service Manager says he may want copies. If it helps, he can have 'em.

Mood: Pained ...

Not really sure why I'm hurtin' so much? I'm sure cutting my morphine dosage in half and pretty much avoiding my oral meds has nothing to do with it ... ? Nor the yard work involving a chainsaw; so much still left to do, but I just can't ... at the moment. I can still ... I want to keep going this way. At least until the pain once again pushes me towards the edge of the horrible abyss I've seen before. And I know what the edge looks like now ... having been there a few times. Still, haven't been able to avoid the oral meds completely.

Why? Why must Pepsi (and others) toy with those who really want sugar instead of High Fructose Corn Syrup? Yes, I do know about what seems to be some ridiculous Sugar trade tariffs, but I'd pay a slight premium for it. I stopped drinking pop/soda on a regular basis many decades ago - it changed. In high school I went on a Spring Break to Europe (Italy, Switzerland, Austria, and Germany - the trip where I got to know Jan much better) and not really being a drinker - my mom had signed the release to allow alcohol consumption on the trip; it was legal there in the 1970's - I turned back to soda/pop. But, the pop/soda there didn't taste the same as here. It took some time, but discovered they still made theirs with sugar! I drank the pop/soda even though it cost more than beer!

Now, Pepsi, for limited time - Why? - has released the Pepsi Throwback; Made with sugar. But, it's only available for a very short period - WHY? I mean, I can actually drink and enjoy the Pepsi with real sugar. I even like the Pepsi Natural (actually I prefer this over even the Pepsi Throwback. And it is not for just a Limited Time). Jan has been hunting high and low to get me a few cases of each. Because, it's going away! WHY? every store manager Jan has spoke with has even said how unbelievably popular the product was ... not is, because it's gone! WHY? And the one store Jan's been getting the Pepsi Natural from ... they can't keep it in stock! Competing against yourself must be hell. The sugar Throwback would steal from your (inferior - IMHO) corn syrup product, wouldn't it? You can't reach some happy medium?

Please, please keep a sugar based Pepsi-Cola product as a regular product. But, I'll settle for the Pepsi Natural, really good stuff.

Mood: Slightly Down

I pulled into the barn and got off my motorcycle last night and this huge Dragon fly appeared from under the motorcycle. it was flying upside down? It stopped right at my feet ... upside down. OK, obvious it wasn't feeling well. Not sure if maybe I hit it with the bike as I was driving home or if it was just stuck in the barn. I offered it my finger to try and help - maybe try to see what's wrong. It latched on quickly and I talked to it as I uprighted it. It was contracting - breathing? - heavily, but eventually calmed down as I talked.

My camera phone just does not take a good close-up picture, so I called Cori on my cell from the barn - I noticed she was home when I pulled in. I asked if she'd please open the back door and hand me my camera. She knows all to well, since I bring all kinds of things home I find, so never asked why. All Cori said was, "Fine ... let me put some clothes on, I just got out of the shower." She brought me my camera and in her usual way just looked at what I had and said, "Kill it!" Cori could not do something like that and knows I couldn't either.

It looked as though the thing had one leg missing? But, he finally unfolded it - though I'm not sure (don't remember) how many legs they typically have, but initially I counted an odd number of legs. When I tried to get him to latch onto a piece of wood he must have sensed our time together was done. He hit the table on the deck. I helped to upright him, again. And he then took off. Soaring upwards in a screw type pattern and then away. Cool, at least he wasn't hurt too bad.

Mood: Variable ...

Post for June 24

Yesterday, June 23:
My motorcycle, the Honda ST1300, still has problems - I'm, getting tired of it. When I started it today, what should have been high idle (for at least a minute) was only about 500RPM! Really nothing new, typical of what I've been telling them at the dealer. And the smell of gas, really bad.

I stopped by the dealer and talked with the Service Manager, Roger - really is a nice guy. I told him about the new FI event and code - same as the old. I even showed him the video. The parts manager asked from his desk, "Is that your bike that sounds like that?" He could hear it even from the phones video! Roger just hung and shook his head. I reiterated the issues; low idle at startup and sometimes when warm, backfire near head when first started (both sides now and the missing was causing learching as I drove slow), gas smell, gravely sounding when riding (engine), performance drop off, hesitations at startup and after restart (pulling into traffic causes me much caution). I even mentioned that my wife, who notices very few things, commented on the engine sound and power issues! Jan never notices anything like that.

I told Roger I had dropped by last week - he was with customer - and a mechanic thought maybe plugs were fouled as I suggested, but it should get better - keep riding! They checked it out some - I don't like the way they rev the engine so high when they have it and are not moving; I know they're used to the twin cylinder Thumpers and not a smooth quick responding 4 cylinder. I told Roger I know he's trying his best to take care of the problem and that I appreciate that - I know he's frustrated. I also told him I tend to be a bit OCD and little things I notice and others don't can be quite frustrating. Roger admitted to being the same. I told him about the ECM (Engine Control Module) not being put back correctly (a rattle - drives me nuts) and about the fuel tank being loose on the rear slide screw. I told him I put everything back and tightened things - He told me he really wants me to tell him when the guys forget little details like that, but I'm kind of used to it. Details, so few people pay attention to those any more.

Roger thought the same as me, the plugs could be fouled from the previous MAP sensor problem - or so it was reported by the error code. They had plugs and replaced them as part of warranty. Roger was also going to call Honda, again, and inform them it is still having problems. The mechanic changing the plugs, when asked by a busy Roger how they looked, said, "OK ... good, but they looked like they probably needed changing." Roger got un-busy and asked me, "Did he say they looked OK?" I said, "Yeah, but then he also said they looked like they were ready or needed to be changed!?" Roger looked up my 24000mi maintenance on the computer, when plugs should have been replaced. System showed maint done last year!? It was actually early this year. Roger even remembered and commented the system assigned number was wrong if it were during last year - he was only in the 6xxx's last year and not the 7xxx's as this showed - I have warned them several times earlier this and last year that their server drive may be failing - nasty bearing noise bedsides being very old. But the thing is, the plugs were not changed that long ago - they were fouled?

After the plug change the bike performs much better, but I still smell gas.

Jan is killing me ... almost quite literally. I keep asking (have for months) that she please clean the other bedroom so I can move the beds around - we've been using the smaller adjustable bed and there just ain't room when you're used to a King Bed. She's still not done it ... started ... stopped ... re-accumulated sh!t ... started ... stopped. Yeah I know, I fracking kill myself because when I start something ... I have to finish regardless of what I'm doing to myself - seems to usually involve a chainsaw (LOL). I finally got to sleep this morning after she got up for work. I hurt ... hurt bad. My leg, because I slept wrong, is causing me a lot of trouble - pain and sensitivity. I finally get up before noon, eat, but fall asleep in the chair - that and I had to take some oral meds in a combination that can make me a little drowsy. Finally got up around 16:00 and downed some 5hr Energy stuff to get going.

Outside temp is in upper to mid 90's; Inside barn a little higher. My motorcycle would not even start today - tried 5-7 times. I had to hand feed the gas to keep it running. As I held it at about 1000RPM - lower than normal high idle - it backfires if I go higher - the bike would rev itself up to 1500-+1750 RPM! Then back down to 1000RPM where I was holding it, then back up .... I let go and the engine died. It was like it was trying, but just couldn't correct itself - an on going issue. Next, I held the gas at about 1000RPM and the idle shot up to 3000RPM! Let go and it continued to run, but very poorly. All as it was been doing for sometime and regularly now.

I stopped by the dealer's and told Roger about above problems - in detail. Told him I would drop bike off next Tuesday. Told Roger that the new plugs helped, but they were going to foul - he just nodded yes. Honda had not called him back yet. If they want the bike sooner, I told Roger I'd bring it in. Again told Roger I've put off my travel plans until this can be rectified - wouldn't start today without manual intervention! Roger even said the bike should compensate for the temperature - it has for over two years!

I went to go and I got hit with such a pain into my right leg-hip-back and it triggered the sensitivity lower in the leg. Roger asked if I was OK and I could see the other parts guy just watching behind me. My right leg is really undergoing some changes - or at least that side of my spine is now having some issues. Left side (back-hip-leg) still hurts. Either I'm kind-of used to it or it has lessened some, but wow! It can still stop me in my tracks too. Sucks ... I gotta keep moving. Sitting and writing hurts! And of course my neck is fracked from my having to do yard work - Jan nor Cori could ever do the stuff and I don't trust Cori's BF with a large power tool and don't think he could down stuff in a planned way - like the one large branch. And we can't afford to have someone else do it. I don't need the barn damaged, so I really had no choice.

I had to re-download an iTunes song upgrade. Upgrading my copy of P!nk's, I'm Not Dead to the Plus version downloaded the edited version! I don't buy edited versions! I don't think an edited version was even available when I bought it initially. Luckily I have the release's booklet, the current iTunes offering does not have the booklet? I reported a problem with the upgrade to Plus to Apple Support - getting the edited version. Apple support told me to buy the un-edited version and they would then credit me the purchase. Telling ya, separate and disparate systems, the store and purchase systems (IMO).

Mood: Positive

No, I can't just sit, let alone take it easy. And it is just me, I know. Bowling last week, Cori's BF and I were able to beat Jan and Cori - luckily I can bowl (or at least used to be able to). But, I went downhill real quick just after the first game. Not satisfied (or maybe just somewhat recovered) there was a lot of work that needed (still needs) to be done around the house. So, yesterday's activity involved me, ladders, trees, and a chain saw. I pretty much destroyed myself - spent part of the time in tears, even as I was sawing. I got the large pine tree near the deck trimmed up, cut the low branches on the pine trees near the woods - will be much easier to mow (something I don't do) - trimmed up the apple tree (again), and took down a large branch hanging over the pole barn - I was worried that this branch could break in a storm and damage the barn.

I had to stop quite often and just ... recover. I had Jan come out when I did the rather large branch of the tree by the barn. The branch was real close and hung over the barn - you could hear it inside the barn when the wind blew. There was a fairly large branch growing off away from the barn and also looked as though it would clear the neighbors small tree nearby. If I cut the branch right, as I explained to Jan, the limb should twist, crack, and fall right there, where I pointed - Between the barn and missing, mostly, the neighbors small sapling. I climbed the ladder with my running chain saw and made my cut. I saw the branch crack and begin to twist - figured I was OK as the crack that started, ran, and stopped a few inches from the ladder; I hate soft wood - the branch then gave a loud crack and fell just as I had pictured. Missed the barn and the sapling. Jan, even though I told her what was going to happened was suddenly under my ladder? I cut the thing up into smaller pieces, but I was dyeing. Jan made me stop and called Cori's BF to come and clean up what I had cut. I just sat/laid in my recliner out on the deck. I hate taking oral meds, but really had no choice and actually downed a significant amount. I was going to take pictures of the yard .. all the limbs and such, but I ... just ... couldn't ... move to do it.

Today, I'm kind-a OK. My legs don't hurt from bowling anymore! Annnnd, we won't go into the new pains that seem to have replaced that .... But actually, feeling OK - though my neck is giving me a lot of trouble and pain. But, I can keep that to myself - for now.

I finally made it up and out by around 13:00. I started the motorcycle and ... this time when it almost died, it didn't backfire high up near the head as it usually does - a ping/knock/backfire - but paused and threw another Fuel Injection (FI) Error Code! I took out my cell phone and recorded the signal/event - both at home and at Starbucks. Also Emailed it to myself. Unfortunately, the dealer isn't open on Monday, so I couldn't just go there and show them the code. The code ... same as before, 2 short repeating - Fuel Map Sensor, like before. At least it's no longer just my word that "Something's still wrong!" I mean even Jan can tell something is wrong in the way it runs when we're out on the road/highway. If Jan notices, they should! It still runs rough, backfires when cold right up at the head/exhaust manifold (that's where I hear it). Sometimes it will backfire even while warm when first started up after sitting awhile. Don't care what they say about it "being cold". It has never done that in the past and the Brain Box should, always has, compensate for it. They really need to listen to another one of these types bikes, the ST1300. It doesn't run like the twin cylinder bikes their so used to hearing, seeing, and working on. This bike should be smooth and not gravely when it runs. I shouldn't smell gas when it runs as I do on occasion. They just don't notice it. And I know I'm a tad-bit anal, but it really is obvious. They don't see many ST1300s at all. I only know of three, counting mine. There maybe others, but they even told me they don't see many and no one keeps up the maintenance like I do.

Jan has been helping Cori's BF quite a bit with preparing for school, taking him for job interviews and training. And took him today for a meeting about what he gets, if anything, from Social Security as he's on his own and has to provide for himself. He's going to be working at McDonald's soon, on midnights. And he starts Trade School (UTI) in the fall. He's an OK kid, but needs to stay on track. He's always offering to help me with stuff around the house, but a lot of it I want ... kind of need, to do - like I've said, I just can't sit and be disabled. I'll put up with the pain, I have too. If I were to give into it, I know I'd never get moving again and would probably hurt worse. But, I needed help with the trees I had cut up, so I let Jan call and pick Cori's BF up to haul it off. I've experienced a lot of what he has, but I was fortunate in that there was a Trust Fund that assisted and helped me with housing and schooling - I worked at the school as an assistant. It was great, in the morning I had my classes. In the afternoon I'd run labs, classes, grading, and such. And in the evenings I'd even assist with the evening classes and labs. I spent the entire day ... week at the school. Going back to my apartment only to eat a little and sleep. Gave me spending money to go see Janice on the weekends.

iTunes, man I hate that the billing and store present the sense of being such separate and disparate systems. Jan let me download a few iTunes Plus Updates(?). I DO NOT BUY EDITED RELEASES, never have never will. But, it updated my release of P!nk's, I'm Not Dead with the [Clean] release! I just can't listen to Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely) in edited form ..., I can't listen to any of the edited songs, they suck! Now I have to wait to Report a Problem, it takes a day or two to move in the account from just purchased to recent purchase where problems can be reported.

Oh! And I fixed my problem with Enod-Eset Anti-Virus/Firewall issue. When I upgraded from Vista to Win 7 Release Candidate, the upgrade left the Eset firewall inoperable. I finally uninstalled Eset, rebooted, and then reinstalled Eset. Everything now seems well! No more failure of the Firewall. Upgrading from Vista without reinstalling Eset seems to be a no-no!

Still need to figure out why I can print to my Apple Airport Express, but not stream my iTunes to it? It was so hot today that My motorcycle fell over, again. I was getting ready to go home when someone asked if that was my bike, I had just checked it! I had destroyed myself yesterday, so couldn't lift it on my first try. As I prepared for a second attempt, I had an offer from a nearby gentleman - thank-you.

Mood: Passable as Human ...

Went and seen the Ears, Nose, Throat (ENT) doctor today. He's not real concerned about the nodules on my thyroid - too small. And the changes not real significant. As we talked I asked what could cause the nodules. He asked me about exposure to radiation. I just laughed and went into a little of my history. OK, the next appointment moved from 12 months, to 9 months, down to 6 months as we talked. Wonderful! I often wondered about this as a child and Jan, my wife, and I have talked of this. Ahhh, nice to see my fears may be founded - that's a, I say that's a joke son.

I'm ready to go out and destroy myself tonight. I didn't get much sleep last night. The only thing keeping me on the bed was a pillow balled up along my back - kept me from rolling off the bed. I swear, Jan just radiates heat. Then her foot kept coming over, on top of mine, but I had no where to go! My legs were right on the edge! The I tried to roll more onto my side and ended up with an elbow in the eye - nothing new. I couldn't get up, the big dog, Max, sensed I was hurt'n quite a bit and was laying right on the floor next to the bed. I WAS TRAPPED! I got a few hours sleep after Jan got up for work. But tonight we're going out bowling - what could be better for a guy with spine problems?

Jan and my daughter Cori have challenged Cori's boyfriend and me to a few frames of bowling. Cori and I can bowl pretty good. Jan ... well, she throws ... tosses the ball (rather high) and hits pins. But she used to be pretty good. Cori's BF? I don't know, except Cori says she beats him when they go. Should be interesting? Just means I'm going to end up by myself in bed tonight - there just ain't enough room when I hurt and need to spread out. Hope Jan saves up for a new mattress soon. Or finishes cleaning the other room so I can move the Queen size bed into our room. But a new mattress means I can put the King Bed back together.

I go into the basement last night, to get a piece of wood for pounding some pork for schnitzel and I smell ... damp ... ick. I call Jan down. I point to the stuff on the floor. Wish they would tell me when there's water on the floor ... not that it happens often ... at all. At least since the kids were small. The washer and stuff drains to the sump. The house is drained out by the hill and the creek below, so the sump only handles the washer and any water from the basement that gets on the floor ... not the house. Well, seems the sump was sticking. Been +15 years since I replaced it. Water backed up. And everyone, not me, keeps stuff on the floor. But when they seen the water ... they just didn't take that extra step and like pick up stuff ... even after the fact. I had to point it out?

Right now, just waitin' at a Coffee place - Evelyn Bay - to go pick up Jan after work and go bowling. I've got the motorcycle, of course. Jan had a friend pick up Cori's vehicle at work so he could replace the four rotors that Cori has managed to warp - I wrote about it and her driving habits a few posts ago.

Mood: Cool ... Almost Literally

Recently, I was privileged to have a brief on-line exchange with another person who faces a few challenges in their life. In the exchange she provided a link into one of her blog postings to give me some background information. In reading her post, I was struck by a comment on a word. Struck in a way I didn't expect or really ever think of before. Just the way she expressed it; and yet, it is probably how a good number of people - normal and challenged - interpret the word. Of course, this is why I ask so many questions, I want to learn. And in the process learn and realize things about others as well as myself. If you only stumble through life with your own personal myopic views ... Ya don't know anything - Anything about others let-alone yourself. Asking questions of my wife and kids for so long just drives them nuts, but that's me.

I've faced various challenges throughout life that I never viewed as such; to me more annoyances. As a child it was a school system that wanted - but didn't succeed - to put me in special education after the first grade (My Native American genetics may have a significant impact on the way I learn; I'm very visual. And schools, back then, did not cater nor consider various learning styles; it was their way and ya better remember). And my many medical adventures - They called my mom once and claimed I had Leukemia (my white cell count outnumbered my red, later discovered I didn't have the disease; They thought I was a hemophiliac, later found I was one clotting factor away from the disease and I only had a tendency towards bleeding at times - came back to bite me later in life. And on to my many current problems - a degenerative spine (though this hit me once in Junior High), multiple surgeries, and the associated effects of each; A doctor thinks I may have Lupus; And I'm now facing Thyroid issues! Cool! What else can we do? This along with the many other little problems and out and out little quirks I'm fully aware of and try my best to keep in check. One thing I've learned, I KNOW MYSELF AND I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY MANY PROBLEMS (most of the time). External influences can have a huge impact on that ability.

In the post I read, that she provided, she mentioned a personal unpleasant feeling for the word Handicapped. Personally, I don't put much thought into the word nor really consider myself Handicapped as such. But could see and understand it from her perspective, in how she expressed it. I can understand and see how others could feel the same. But I take a little different view of it and do understand everyone's problems and capabilities are different.

I openly state and oft times poke fun at my public and government label of Disabled/Handicapped. These words, for me, don't really hold much meaning. As a child the words never slowed me down; My parents never imposed restrictions upon me - much - for the failings they were aware of. On their own the word(s) don't define nor accurately describe anything or anyone. And they definitely don't define nor describe me! They hold no power over me, my thoughts, my desires, or my wants and needs. And they definitely don't hold me back. I forge ahead with many of my desires - the only thing to deter me, usually after the fact and occasionally before (depending on how stupid I've been acting), is my physical pain. It's not the the words, thought, or belief of others of me being Disabled/Handicapped. The words, yes, descriptive in and of themselves, but sorely lacking full context in a description of me and many people considered - labeled - in this way.

Someone may say "... handicapped ..." in conversation with me, but that's not the word I hear. I hear, " ... challenged ...". And if there's one thing I like - just ask my wife - is a good argument or a challenge. Pain and Medications destroy my concentration and wreak havoc on my short term memory. I use much of my current mental aptitude to control pain (I'm really good at it), but in the process I tend to shutdown, not expose as much of myself, maybe even lose some of myself over time. Distractions, as I've written of so often, cause me to lose concentration and can cause extreme discomfort. This is usually tolerable and sometimes even desirable for periods of time. Other distractions, depending on type, can allow me to lose or immerse myself into it and lose, for periods of time, the realization of the pain I'm in, but do suffer after returning to myself. I can no longer work and have even had to give up volunteer duties as a CASA - a reason I love the nearby Foster Kids coming over to visit.

Recently, my mind, feelings, and emotions were a major reason I had my pain doctor half my daily morphine dosage - it hurts ... I hurt. But, I can, or will, cope with it - most of the time. I hate taking oral meds as they do little for me. I have to ask the doc about a patient programmable pump next time I go in - I don't need continuous large amounts of morphine, just when I'm active (do things I shouldn't. And that does happen a lot as discussed below). A major benefit of the recent cutback is the lack of side-effects. The down side is the pain from doing even the simplest things (More, but that's for another post).

I don't think I've ever really considered myself handicapped - though there was a really dark period a few years back where meds and uncontrolled pain had me thinkin' some really bad things (another thing my Native American genetics may affect; many meds have paradoxical effects and things like morphine don't seem to cross my blood brain barrier (have little to no affect)). I push myself. I do things a lot of people wish they could do, but have to work. Doing these things can put me down for extremely long periods of time, but it also keeps me sane. It's a challenge to do many of the things I do with my current condition. Not many people with the problems I have or the pain I experience 24 hours a-day ride a motorcycle to their pain doctors appointment - but a few do, I do. Used to be the doc would try to talk me out of riding. Even tried to talk me out of the activities I force myself up and out to do. His main concern, I do my riding, camping, and hiking alone. A bad thing as I've on occasion been trapped, unable to move. But, so far, I've always managed to get myself moving again despite the extreme - to the point of almost passing out - pain. The doc has ceased trying to stop me, my activities, and at one point even stated, "That motorcycle is keeping you alive." - something my wife has claimed since I got the first bike (after kids, anyway).

The only time - besides a mild feeling when I've been active or already done something extreme and I'm down for awhile - I've felt limited ... handicapped ... was on my motorcycle tour last year when in Spider Cave at Carlsbad Caverns in New Mexico, my back, fused low and a good ways up from surgeries, prevented me from getting into the cave at a really low point right at the start of the tour. I could not flex my back down, maybe half-an-inch, to get by a small ledge above me as I slithered on my belly and then my back to try and get through the hole. I made it easier for others by moving many rocks on the floor out of the way and even helped a few get through. But the entry goes down a little - a dip under the rock - then up ... I just could not flex my back to make the entry - IT SUCKED! It's sorta like putting a board over a rut.

I had just done a cave tour the day before, Hall of the White Giant. That tour has the smallest portion of the cave, open to the public, that has to be slithered through. Not crawled, you couldn't crawl if you wanted, you have to lay flat and grab, kick, push, pull with what ever you could to to get through. And I made it! Despite my size (chest size and width), I MADE IT (an advantage of flexible joints)! Thing is, the passage was flat ... this I could manage. It was hard, it's difficult to swing my lower body side to side since my spine is fused and I have to move it much higher up, but I MADE IT! Think I even surprised the guides. There are no pictures since carrying a camera would have been ... difficult. I had no problems on the rope climbing portion or climbing a small pegged ladder and squeezing through a small opening at the top. At some point I will try Spider Cave again. I'll get through that part even if I have to do it by losing weight to give me the extra clearance I need since flexing my back never will - it don't flex.

Same motorcycle tour in Zion National Park only a week before, I managed to hike the Virgin River to the Narrows. The rock and boulder laden river, muddy from rains, so you couldn't see the bottom. This made it very slow going besides the fact I had to stop often to keep my pain in check. And to take photos. But, I hiked it. I loved it. I pretty much destroyed myself, but I did it. I couldn't do anything the next day or two, BUT I DID THIS. I wanted to hike to Angels Landing, but I MANAGED THE NARROWS DAY HIKE EVEN WITH MY SPINE AND CARRYING A BACKPACK. I NEVER FELL, NOT ONCE. This is what is important to me. Not that I couldn't muster up the pain control, or energy, to hike Angels Landing, but I managed an extremely rugged trek in a rocky river for several miles.

You are who and what you are ... how you view yourself is much more important and has a greater affect than how other people view you. Can you do what you want? Do you even attempt it? Or do you give into comments of, " ... you can't do that ..." Upon hearing this do you laugh and try it anyway? Personally, I'd rather go out - OK, this is pretty dark, but accurate - on my motorcycle, or doing something I enjoy as opposed to lying in a bed or sitting in a chair that has become my place to be. I lived that for about six years and I won't go back to it.

Handicapped ... yeah, a word without detail - a very limited description of myself and many others considered/labeled the same. But, if you look at what I do, what I can do, what I've done ... and many people will wonder, "Why is he handicapped?" I could just sit/lay and be handicapped - live the life. But I'd rather be doing stuff to try and maintain what little I can still do, to be an individual out and about and not stuck in my bed or chair - as I was for such a long time. And while I can't be consistent in doing stuff, I'll do it when I can. I have to give into the long periods of pain and of recovery - even more pain - when I do what a handicapped person isn't really expected to be capable of. But, I'm alive, not dead and I choose to put myself through the extra pain and such just to maintain my sanity - I almost lost it once! Ok, maybe a few times with all the drama I've experienced through life?

Pain comes, it's severe for years, almost a decade. Things begin to settle, the pain subsides some. Then another part of the old spine or something else flares, and I'm back at square one. If this is what I focused on, if this was what I thought was my life and lived it? Then I'd be a totally different person. I don't and I can't let it define me - been there, done that, and it didn't work. I like the road less traveled I seem to be on right now.

Honest, it's all in how you view yourself. And in changing your view of yourself ... in doing that, you may begin to view others a little different. Maybe you'll even see some of what you used to be like ...

From Dido, Life for Rent

Well, if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well, I deserve nothing more than I get
'Cuz nothing I have is truly mine

Acceptance of your life is in no way giving-in. It's what you do or attempt to do with it when you accept. And your perception of self is key.

Mood: Disturbed, Yet Unusually Amused

I've been off-line for a little while - laptop, as described in the previous post, failed. I had been spending more time performing little fixes and such to keep it running than in time spent using it. Things like: Plug in my cell-phone to the USB and the external drive would fail; Copy too much data and the external and internal drive may corrupt. It sucked! But , you could probably pick that up from the tone of the previous post. With no USB attachments, it should serve Jan well as her Window to the World, especially since she only single tasks - Jan never even looks at video or listens to sound? I took a hard drive from my son's old laptop - now piece parts - and I'm configuring it for Jan to use. I discovered, in an old case my son left at home, a high capacity battery for a laptop? OK, it didn't look like a battery for the one that failed and is now piece parts. No, it was stamped as a Gateway - it fits his new laptop? The day I had Jan call and ask him if he was missing a battery, he said his regular one had just failed. He'd been looking all over for this high capacity battery. Hmmm, it's been here since X-mas or before I think! I helped Jan pack it up and she sent it to Eric at Goddard Space Flight Center.

Jan, somehow, came up with the cash to allow me to get a Stop-Gap Laptop - still against my better judgment. But I have to trust her. It only has to last two years - I hope so. Jan met me on Monday at Starbucks and said we could go and get the laptop now instead of waiting until Friday. Of course it was not that easy ... she had to lead me on. As I was about to thrash the old laptop and head home, she said to hold on and that she was close-by and was going to meet up with me at Starbucks. She walked into Starbucks and said, "Oh! You're not ready ... that's OK, we can wait." I had to bite, though I kinda knew. She had gone to the bank before work and got the cash for the laptop I had told her about and that should hold up (be useable) for the next two years. We went to Best Buy and avoided much hassle by just pointing and saying, "We want that one ...". The Geek, We can do this, this, and this .... I interrupt, "No! I'll take care of it. I just want it as-is, Thank-You." I did suggest that Jan get the accidental coverage and extended coverage as this new laptop feels a bit more plastic and maybe a little more fragile - I carry it with me on the motorcycle and everywhere I travel. And I ain't gonna stop now. So accidental, yeah sounds like it might be worth it. Though I have a lot of confidence and have had really good luck with the HP computers I've owned and that my son's had.

Yep, that's the new laptop over there. A much faster machine with more in it, but the power brick (90 Watts) is still half the size as the old one (180 Watts) (the other photo). When Jan and I went to Best Buy over the weekend, so I could show her what was available and what may work, she let me get a Creative X-Fi Soundcard that was on-sale for about half-price - a close-out? I won't listen to the crappy on-board audio of most devices; I NEED a sound card. They only had two left, so she let me get one even though she was unsure when or if we could replace the laptop. But Monday I got another HP. This one is the HP Pavilion DV7-1285DX - It has an Intel Core 2 Duo P8600 2.4Ghz Processor, 6GB of DDR2 memory, Nvidia GeForce 9600M GT W/512MB, Centrino 2 Chipset, 8x LightScribe DL/DVD, 17" Display, 500GB hard drive (with room inside for another!), 64bit Windows Vista Home Premium (I'll stick the Windows 7 RC on it soon), and several other little niceties. I've had to create my own Power Plan - the CPU kept going down - Idle - to far and seemed to cause some stuttering in various apps.

Sorry about the photo quality - it's from my phone. I haven't loaded my photo editing stuff, yet!

The only thing that drives me nuts is the shiny finish on the case and on the keys - SMUDGES! And me with OCD tendencies ... it just drives me fracking nuts! I keep wiping it down. Then ... the stupid X-Fi card didn't run even though it came with Vista x64 drivers! I downloaded the Beta driver that was available and it now works as expected. Man, I love having separate volume controls for effect sounds, iTunes, and others. So nice to turn Sounds back on and turn them down in relation to my music. Luckily, I still have all my sound effects I used to use, but stopped using because they were too loud when I turned up the music or worked on video.

It's almost setup and then I'll go ahead and load the Windows 7 RC on it. I created a disk set last night. Wow! That is a fracking slow process! I used 3 single layer, LightScribe DVDs. It took FOREVER! The desktop died once, but eventually came back? CPU usage was low, but processes would stall and I couldn't switch .... It sucked, but it's done now and things seem fine. I've replaced the newer Norton stuff with the ESET security stuff - like I had setup on Cori's machine. I like it better.

Soon, Jan will have the laptop over there and it will replace the Ubuntu Linux system I've had Jan on - and was taking up so much room on the dining room table. Maybe with the laptop Jan will sit outside with me a little more?

Mood: Sick Feeling of Reaching a Limit ... For the N^th Time!

Hard Drive ... Memory ... Memory STAT, D@mn It! Data's not flowing! USB ports not ... strong enough. CD/DVD Drive, it can't remember! I have to go with a USB device! Ha, ha ha, wow ... I'm screwed. IO Error!? Growing more, and more progressive. And it's not the drives, devices, or drivers. It's ... it's the LAPTOP!

Flashback 2 - 2.5 years: I say, "Jan? You know that my laptop, this laptop, is reaching the end of its technological life as well as its expected life? I bring this up, because of some miscellaneous problems/errors I'm seeing and the fact that it is getting OLD, especially technology wise. And has traveled all around the country with me. I'm telling you this so you, we, can maybe start planning for this inevitability." Jan, "You've really had that laptop that long?" Me, "Ahhh, yeah. And you know the typical life and life expectancy of this stuff. God knows I've had enough of it throughout the decades we've been together.” I think my first mistake was suggesting that we plan ... I know my wife (and kids). If ya have to look further than a few minutes into myriad of potential future threads ... it won't happen. Too d@mn complicated ... even when considering certainties.

Flashback a little more than 1 year or so: Me, "Uhh Jan? I really hope you listened when I told you about the laptop kind of reaching the end of its usable as well as expected life awhile back. And ... I know, and I'm sorry, about dropping all those little hints reminding you of the fact as problems have occurred or as I've had to reload the the OS, or patch it together. BUT IT"S GETTING PRETTY BAD! And happening MORE OFTEN!" Jan, "Can you make it limp along?" Me, "Huh!? You mean you want me to throw (waste) money at it ... to try and keep it running?" The response, "Yeah." OK, I grudgingly throw some money at it in the way of memory and a hard drive - which was still smaller than I needed and the availability of PATA drives, without ordering, was quite slim. All this, as I voiced, against my better judgment and knowing. Hmmm, it's almost like they don't want you to extend the life of various pieces of technology with a possible, albeit, limited life? Of course NOW, I can walk into a Best Buy and get a 250GB PATA drive for the laptop ... the 2.5" SATA drives are well over a 500GB.

About 1 year ago: I start my little motorcycle tour in 2008 and ... the laptop craps out BIG TIME! I discover a new issue of the USB ports and limited power - it's futzing up my external hard drives and affecting the laptops internal components! I figure out what ports can be used simultaneously and which ones interact with each other. A couple ports provide more power than the others and I can tell which seem to be tied together (share power). I also discover that I have to watch the amount of data flowing during USB usage between ports and/or with internal hard drive usage - they tend to corrupt one another! Only days into my tour, I LOSE my laptop to failure - Internal disk corrupted during multiple hard drives on USB ports exchanging/backing-up data. And an external drive with most of my data just ... fails. A source of expression (I like to write and photography), entertainment, my picture holder, communications, diary, planning aid ...; It's gone. So, I then got to spend time and experience eminence frustration attempting to fix and restore the laptop. Oh yeah, and money ... more MONEY! The time it took to get it operational and to recover stuff caused me to miss out on some activities while in Colorado involving rivers and bridges, and just riding (other than to various stores to find parts and pieces, and to also fix a failed mattress. The mattress, a task that would have been way easy IF I HAD MY LAPTOP! Still, I spent days afterwards, in time, trying to make the laptop usable and restore photos and such. I missed out on quite a bit.

Granted, I'm hard on my computers ... I expect a lot ... I USE THEM! I edit and encode video while writing and listening to music, and maybe other things. I spend a good majority of time waiting for the three to four standard items I click on at startup to load and start. I'm constantly <Alt><Tab>'ing between the various things running as my mind decides or something demands attention. This laptop used to be quick, but now spends the majority of its time with the CPU max'ed out between 75-100% (pegged at 100% a good portion of the time). And the PATA drive ... it just doesn't ... it won't ... it's far from fast enough. I'm not swapping, unless I've got some heavy editing sessions going on - music and/or video, and other things - but there's a lot of data moving around! And that is NOW an issue! My USB ports ... they just can't ... won't ... data gets lost! The more I stress the system (use it) the worse the data loss and corruption gets between USB devices and even the internal IDE/PATA drive! And it can affect other peripherals/hardware you wouldn't really expect it too.

The patient, my laptop, doesn't seem to want me to keep reviving it? It now seems to be fighting me, again. IO errors and more. The issue with USB and data flow between various peripherals is getting worse ... corruption, out and out failures, and the good 'ole BSOD (Blue Screen of Death) reporting IO errors and more. Ahhh, it seems to be something new every time? It seems to have realized it's past it time and it just doesn't or can't deal with the strain it now suffers from what I force upon it. If this laptop makes it to my wife - if I don't smash it into many small pieces and parts - it will have a much more relaxed life (and probably won't run so hot). Having to run only Jan's Window to the world - a browser - have an ability to print, and maybe some light text editing. But none of it simultaneously - that's not how Jan works or thinks. Me, I have so many things going on it confuses her (and my laptop anymore). Jan can't believe the stuff I have open and running, nor how I can appear to move seamlessly between the processes and know where and what each is doing.

I'm struggling to keep from smashing this laptop as I attempt to remove my important data and settings - it's fighting me. It has settled down some (I'm only running two minor applications and listening to music on my iPod, not the PC). It’s almost done backing up my settings - this is usually where it fails though ... when it gets good and warm. But I'm really trying to keep data movement (IO) down. <-- Yep, Wrote that and it Blue Screened! I'll have to backup my music in a different way since the data flow over the USB port to the external drive just can't function for that length of time (amount of data). My music is about +60GB in size.

I called Jan earlier today, before going out. I told her it was over, the laptop cannot be revived and something needs to be done (I talk, I warn, but no one listens. Just like when I told Cori the other day that she had better save some of her money from this summer, because by Thanksgiving she'll need new tires). The Windows 7 RC 2 that I tried to load told me there is some hardware error. At least it said something. The RC 1 just would not load and said nothing. I'm done reloading and patching the system to run, especially since it's doing it to itself because it can't deal with the load. I'm going to try and get my data off and then something has to be done.

Cori is a piss poor driver ... she scares me. She took me to get my motorcycle the other day and I could tell instantly ... her rotors are warped! Turns out all four are! And it’s because of the way she drives! I told her, I explained, but nothing will change ... I know this because they don't believe -- how could I possibly know?

I called Jan a bit earlier ... after a few failures of trying to get my data off the laptop, but before these recent catastrophic failures. I wasn't nice ... I admit it. Either she's lying about our financial state and ... or she blew me and the warnings and suggestions I've been giving her about this issue off, completely. I warned Jan, gave reminders, but we all know how that goes. Despite more than 3 decades together, Jan hasn't ... won't ... can't? Figure me out. No matter how many times I explain it. No matter how many times I actually write about it. I'm changing now to fit current conditions (despite my OCD tendencies). I can and do change. Hell, I take care of my stuff, but I gave up trying to take care of Jan and the kid's stuff long ago. I’ve already given up washing my motorcycle, getting my Jeep cleaned ...; I don't have the cash. I don't ask for any. But even when I do ask or request Jan to plan for me to wash my Jeep or motorcycle, it can take months to a year! So, I don't anymore.

Why am I harping on Jan? She does the finances ... all of it. I keep out of it; except when I know special plans/considerations are or will be needed. I just do my best to prepare us for them. She doesn't want me in it. Jan has said she couldn't live with the budget on a PC?? Statements and no real reasons, as usual. On a computer it would give me the visual reference/representation I need to see to understand and plan. That and the way I would BUDGET - yeah, has to do with those little OCD tendencies – Jan would have trouble with. And just the fact, I do plan. I want to believe her ... what she says is the issue - even though it's a rehash of what she's said every time I've brought anything up. No reasons ... just statements, and nothing seems to change? But I do know which way I'm leaning in what I think .... But I want to believe, I want to trust her.

Now Jan wants me to consider a cheaper laptop and to get the desired one later. Huh ... wha?? Haven't we learned anything? I can't see throwing a large sum of money into a temporary fix to get another ... later!? And yes, it would be a large sum of money to get a laptop that could do just the minimum I want/need ... expect. Ever since high school - that I barely completed - and my almost complete immersion into technology that I had been so successful in, I continue to grow and push what I have; brain and hardware wise. I'd worry if I started moving backwards. But it is also the bloat that is in a lot of newer software pushing a good portion of the hardware needs forward. But, I've been doing simple multi-tasking even since my TRS-80 Model 1 with expansion interface and 64KB memory, a lower case with descenders mod I wired in, custom floppy controller with 4 double density disks (custom wired in), 24 pin font downloadable printer. I'd write assembly language programs and use the alternate register set for quick task switching for things like font downloading to the printer!

I plan ... we managed to get the kids both new vehicles in high school to carry them through college. I tried to explain to Jan. But planning ... they just don't get it. And even when I knew that it was going to be difficult to get Cori a vehicle ... I ensured, a few years before, that I had a really good vehicle that I could trade in for a lesser vehicle and still get Cori's -- Plans. I didn't even bother telling Jan what I had planned. And I generally don’t, anymore, tell my plans, but just carry them out in whatever way I can to achieve the desired outcome. Neither Eric nor Cori would be able to do the things they do if they didn't have reliable vehicles. Sorry, I've seen the way most people treat their vehicles and so never even considered used - the costs usually end up the same between used and new; depending on expectations and demands.

I still do not like the idea of a stop-gap-laptop. But, it’s the way Jan wants and has decided to go – and I suppose, without having planned, despite warnings and dire warnings, there’s no other choice since nothing has been saved towards the real goal. I’m tired of asking why, tired of statements without explanation to rational questions, and totally unsure of why I ask, “How is everything ... how are we doing ... do I/we need to change anything, do something different ...” Tired of identifying and especially warning about potential and upcoming expenses based on, what is to me, Common Sense things. Maybe, I’m just tired of being ignored? But it’s really nothing new, nothing has changed, except it becomes increasingly frustrating.

Wonderful, my general doctor called me this morning with the results of the 6 month rescan of my thyroid. I tried to tell Jan it probably wouldn’t be good, but she was sure everything would be fine – after all this time she still doesn’t get when I can tell something is wrong. Seems several of the lumps are unchanged, maybe hardened, but now on the other side (hemisphere/node) ... Yep, something and seems to be changing? They are recommending another 6 month follow-up, but my doctor is a little concerned now and doesn’t really want to wait – there’s been changes. So, he’s referred me to an ENT (Ears, Nose, and Throat) guy and my doctor suspects he may not want to wait either and may want to do surgery. OK, this is number three of problems for now, so is it over for awhile?

Mood: Still Ticked About My iPod ...

Jan gets ... comfortable with things. Me, I like ... nay, enjoy change and such. I prefer simple things and in foods, anymore, organics. Problem is you now pay a premium for simple and organics. I talked Jan into buying an organic truly brewed Soy Sauce when we were at the store picking up some Organic Oolong tea - at least I don't order the Fugian Oolong Tea from the place in China Town in San Francisco any more! This Organic Oolong is really good. Anyway, the soy sauce cost about three times what Jan normally pays for a huge bottle of the American made Soy Sauce. The stuff I wanted to try was brewed in and from Japan. Brewed for two years - this ain't American Soy sauce! The ingredients I could read without stumbling across the words/additives - Organic Wheat, Organic Soy, Sea Salt, Koji ... and brewed for two years. Jan went to use it last night and she had to make sure she hadn't opened one of my German Weiss Beers by mistake - yeah, it was definitely brewed. The dish Jan made was good - needed garlic, but we're working on that - was darker in color, darker than normal. And the taste was not as overpowering as with the typical Soy Sauce and had a wider range of flavors. It was good. The rice seemed to pick up more of the salt and the meat the other flavors. Hope she keeps buying the Japanese Soy Sauce despite the price - it may be cheaper if she can find it someplace else?

Jan and I talk about my desire to eat certain foods - really hasn't changed much, but the change in food processing makes me want different foods. Jan is like me in that she can't eat meat from the grocery store anymore. We get all our meat from a butcher, a butcher who often tries new items from different distributors with us because we actually COOK! And provide feedback of what's good or bad and why. And if it's on the grill, it's not gas, but wood or charcoal. Jan can taste a difference with what I suggest and usually likes it. I think she's still getting used to the organic garlic - it has a much better and stronger taste and smell. The kids and me are always telling Jan, "You can't use too much garlic." Jan disagrees. I hate most green vegetables - because they taste green! My son doesn't eat green vegetables either, for the same reason. But I'll eat almost any fruit, as will my son. My daughter will eat some fruits and several green vegetables - she doesn't have the issue with the green taste.

It's funny, even with the kids gone Jan and I produce more garbage than our neighbors that have several kids. And all because Jan COOKS! Anymore, I really have issues with overly processed foods and don't eat much, if anything, when I'm out. Anymore, I don't like eating out much unless it's a burger and they can say it isn't from frozen and a better cut of meat. And I don't do LEAN! Tastes like crap! From the butcher Jan often gets Prime meat when she gets steaks - it's like what regular meat used to be. Unless it's an upscale place I won't eat steaks out anymore - swear they don't know how to clean a grill and they never cook it right; it rushed. I can cook a piece of meat so that its very warm inside and still red, but past that funky gel type stage - the reason Cori loves for me to cook on the grill. It freaks her out, as much as she loves it, how rare I can cook a piece of meat, but still have it cooked (really warm).

Got my Honda ST1300 back today, they replaced the Fuel Injection Map Sensor - a little $167 part. Good thing the bike is still under warranty, otherwise my whole bill would have been about $267. I took my bike out for a little ride to get some memory for the parts manager's laptop - he brought it in today so I could work on it for him. I didn't wear my helmet so I could hear the engine to ensure no backfiring or abnormal fuel smells. The RPMs were way off and they adjusted that down as I worked on the laptop. They'd moved it up before replacing the part despite my insistence that it was a symptom not a problem. Several of the guys stopped in with computer questions as I worked on Roger's laptop - I like doin' that stuff.

I cleaned up the laptop and a few problems Roger was having and answered some questions on his workplace system. The bike seems fine now, but we'll see as I go sit over at Starbucks for awhile and then let it sit overnight in the barn. Roger asked me about the new ST1300A I was looking at and an older Magna V.65. I'd love too, but can't. And even though Jan has asked about the Magna a few times, I can't justify $3000 for it - the chrome is pitted from the way/place it was stored for long periods of time without running it. It sat for a long time, several times! They'd have it fixed only to have it sit again? Its been worked on, but the sitting shows ... bad. I don't think there's any structural damage, but the metal, that should be shiny, looks almost like it has a matte finish from a distance - makes me concerned about seals and such. There had to be a lot of moisture where it was stored. I could see somewhere from $850-$1000 for the bike, but not $3000.

Seems Cori's BF has been accepted to a trade school - he wants to be a mechanic. With Jan helping him, and a sympathetic and knowledgeable recruiter, he's gotten assistance for being on his own and an application fee that was standing in his way waived (or taken care of). Jan is going to help him with his FAFSA application. Depending on when he can get everything together he'll start later this month or in August. Really, I don't and Jan doesn't either turn or backs on many people. The BF wants this and doing what he needs to get in, so we'll see what happens.

Mood: Disappointment Still Reigns Supreme (From Yesterday)

Sorry, didn't forget the photos for yesterdays post. Just took time to get them off my phone and loaded up. I did waaay too much the other day outside (new torches, windshield wipers, cleaning vehicle windows, checking under the hood, putting a little of the new plastic meshing so things can't get under the deck, foolin' around with the wife ...). So I was a bit slow to start and then having to cleanup the minor mess of theft - was easy - but I had to rewire everything back in -- I hurt really bad. My wiring was the only thing that kept them from getting everything. Now, I have to use and markup my 80GB iPod - sucks. I can't leave it in its protective case since it won't fit into many mounts with the case on.

My neighbor, Thomas, called us last night as we were eating a late supper. Turns out it was their car that was stolen that night (on June 1). Jan told him we were out, with a dog, until 00:00 - 00:30. We were still up until after 2:00. They had walked their dog around 22:00 - 22:30 and the car was still there. So the thefts had to take place early in the morning. All three of our dogs sleep with us in the bedroom, so they heard nothing. I guess their dogs didn't either. I guess they took his tools and almost several hundred dollars or so they hide in the car for emergency money - I typically just hide money on my person. They did get my stupid little ash tray that filled with $15-$20 in change. They also took his tollway I-Pass device - wonder if the system can detect and alert when a stolen unit is used? They asked if I had filed a police report also. Jan told them yes. They actually typed up a little thing and gave it to all the neighbors, warning them of recent events.

Well, here's the photos. Yeah, it could have been much worse.

The part for my motorcycle came in today - the MAP Sensor. Hope it fixes the problem. I want to ride! Dano, the parts guy, wants to put some burgers on the grill sometime soon and have me and the wife over so I can fix his wireless setup and show him a little about his laptop I rebuilt - he says it's way faster than it used to be (Yeah, there's no infection now). Roger, the Repair Manager, is bringing in his PC tomorrow for me to look at and upgrade the memory. I actually like doing stuff like this ....

Mood: Disappointed In The Confirmation of What is Becoming Typical Mass Behavior

Hard times, I can understand the dilemma of so many I see around me. I watched a young couple yesterday when Jan and I went out to pick up some groceries and stuff. They ended up using several cards - because of limits and being declined - and some cash to pay for the few things they wanted to purchase. I keep $1 coins in a little ash tray - I don't smoke ... nuttin' - for the occasional car wash, tolls, or persons I see at several of the local stop lights in the area; out of work or laid off. It isn't much, but if I can afford it, it's not a problem. And it usually leads to a brief discussion as we wait for the light to turn. Like when I used to work in Chicago and would drive into the Options Exchange everyday. There was always this one guy out in front of the McDonalds across from the Exchange almost every morning. I worked there for so many years I actually begin to know the guy pretty well, his struggles on the street, and trying to keep his diabetes under control. I'd always give him any spare change I had. I never heard the guy say an unkind word to anyone - even those that ignored or mocked him.

The Sky-Way screwed up once and gave me change for a $20 instead of a $5! I had already pulled away before I noticed. I'm weird in that I normally return overcharges and even tell people when they've undercharged me; unless they tell they are going to. I took the excess change and gave it to my friend the next day. I explained what had happened, I didn't feel a need to keep it, and I thought he could use it. As I walked away he went in a got himself a decent meal - decent for him. I mean, even Jan would make sure I had change or a buck for the guy.

I finally changed my windshield wipers last night. I had to clean the windshield before changing them - the Jeep Wrangler windshield is straight up and down, so it picks up a lot of bugs and such. And so I cleaned the outside windows all the way around. My motorcycle is still at the shop and should be done tomorrow, so I've been keeping my older 40GB iPod in my Jeep since this is what I'm having to drive - I need my music! My 80GB iPod I keep elsewhere and protected - doesn't mean I don't normally put my little white 40GB away when I go out, I do. Could have swore I locked the Jeep last night when I was done, but this morning I hit the FOB and I didn't hear the clicks to unlock?

Me ... I get this sick feeling. I mean I've forgotten in the past to lock my doors, but never had this feeling? We live back on a private drive pretty much out in a farm area with a few other houses. I opened my door and noticed the wiring strewn from the center console over onto the passenger seat from this foam thing the iPod is held in along with a few bucks and hand cleaner. The cigarette plug controller for the iPod was hanging, but still there - it fed from the iPod's main connector, to the controller, and then up into my radio's Aux input. I tuck and run wires carefully - they had just grabbed the iPod, but not everything would let go. I called Jan and then called the Sheriffs non-emergency number - they sent an officer out rather quickly. I took a few photos, below, as I waited. The cop, nice guy, wrote it up and then told me someone had stole an entire vehicle from just across the field just yesterday! Wow! Really, I don't like the area anymore. When too many people get together in one place (cities!) they go stupid. I hope Jan is serious about moving soon ... I'd love to live in New Mexico or some other, more or less desolate area.

They took nothing else, not the GPS or radar detector. I even have a larger power inverter under the passenger seat for gear I carry from time to time, it was still there. I didn't notice, until after the cop left, that the Ash Tray I kept way up front of the console was also gone! That had about $15-$20 in it. But they left the two singles stuffed in the little foam holder where the iPod was? And thankfully, they left my two Starbucks free drink coupons! Yeah, I can joke about it, but would definitely let the dog chew on them awhile before calling them off - I hate thieves. It was an older iPod, but in excellent condition - I take care of my stuff. I used it for hiking, in the Jeep, in the shower .... Now, I'll have to turn to my 80GB iPod - normally I only use this one around the house or when traveling distance on the motorcycle - the battery lasts longer.

Well, I cleaned up the little mess they made and rewired what they had pulled out. Still have not tested it yet. And then, I head out to Starbucks for awhile and this idiot in this car talking on his phone, which apparently was more important to him than driving, was in the passing lane next to, but behind a semi at a stop light. Everyone takes off and this guy just ... coasts? The semi was even pulling away and it was loaded/heavy. All the cars in front were long gone and this guy? Just jabbering away on his phone! I tap my horn, I didn't lay on it like I normally would for stupid people. He flips me off! Speeds up, slams on his brakes - like I didn't know that was coming and it just made me laugh. Which infuriated him more! It was comical ... I hate stupid people. You guys ain't the only ones on the road, honest!

It's weird because Jan and I were out on the deck till almost midnight last night - I had bought some torches and was trying an oil with Citronella to keep the mosquitoes away. Must have worked, Jan actually sat outside with me for quite a while! Me, I may scratch a bite once or twice when/if I get bitten (the kids are the same way). Poor Jan (and Cori's BF) literally get attacked when they go out. Jan has bumps and welts from sitting outside with me for mere minutes! And she scratches them constantly! I sit outside for quite sometime most nights and I'm never bothered that much. If I (or the kids) get a troublesome bite we usually just rip the top off. And that helps ... us anyway.

Even after Jan and I went in, we were still up until after two! Yeah, fun evening. So, I don't know when they got into my Jeep? I did wake up at around five, though I'm not sure if it was because of the storm or something else? I actually got up and wandered out into the kitchen! Jan had told her tech when she got to work, before I got up and before I found and told her what happened, that she felt something wasn't right when she got into her vehicle. Like someone else had been in it! And then I call her later! Preying on others in these times isn't the solution, but these are stupid people anymore. Funny, I get to Starbucks and Christina, the Barista, and I talk. She says you don't work anymore and don't have to deal with people, right? Yep, but I assured her, as she went on, that I notice and have a lot of problems with the apparent general dumbing down of the populous anymore. I tell her that I give her credit (my wife too), I could never work where I had to deal with the general population.

Mood: No, no, no

Disclaimer: This is a Personal Opinion and General Rant. Take it with a grain of salt - though I do believe the majority of people, anymore, are stupid, unthinking bastards which believe they are the only ones out there.

BING! "Because the world doesn't need another search engine, it needs a Decision Engine." Great, one less thing the typical everyday moron needs, so they don't have to think or decide for themselves. My God, most people can't really listen to music, do make-up/pick nose, and talk on the phone as they drive (idiots) ... they can't do just one of these good by itself. Now, more decisions made for ya. You don't have to think, we'll do it for ya! Please, it's bad enough we keep making the shallow end of the 'ole gene pool larger, but do we have to drain the water too? I love technology, but even in the hands of an idiot ... it's in the hands of an idiot. Just like JAVA can allow so many people to write programs ... it doesn't mean they can or even should as is evident in some of the crap and logic I see in stuff/programs/applications. And that includes commercial stuff!

More stuff so people don't have to think - not that most do! Granted, it may be a nice thing, this BING! But, just give me the information, allow me to pick what's important - which I know is what you say you are doing - allow me to sort it, and pick. But don't call it a Decision Engine. And if it will really make Decisions for those that can't ... The Lamb Deserves the Slaughter!. Hell yeah! Marketing to the stupid RULES! But it affects us all ....

I could really carry on this rant, but I won't. 'Nuff said ...

Mood: Here, There ... Around

Jan's back to work - she was off since we would have been camping during this time. But since no one plans ... Eric was home and so we didn't go camping. I took my motorcycle in the afternoon before Eric was to leave. Of course he then asks about riding it - I had it home, kept it home from the shop the entire time Eric was home so he could ride it if he wanted. Jan and I went out to a movie the other day and breakfast yesterday. First time in months I could actually eat everything.

I'm survivin' with my morphine dosage at half what it was - my request for the reduction. I can do this, even though, at times, I hurt. I know I've read of units that are patient adjustable within doctor programmed parameters. And when I get my pump refilled in three months ... I'm asking if he's used any. I don't need the amount I'm getting all the time. I want to be able to adjust it based on my activity or to give a bolus when I'm stupid or just because! I'm active and I ain't giving into this think again! Yeah, dark thoughts still occasionally flow through my head, but anymore ... it's not a real problem and pretty comfortable - not always, but most times.

My overall healing ability is back. Minor injuries are healing real quick once again! My hearing is better, less noise. I have fewer headaches and other little things. My vision and night vision are way better. My mouth is still a little dry in the mornings, but not as bad as it was. Been awhile since I've been able to go three months before a refill. And a few other things are also back to normal, just weird stuff.

My motorcycle (Honda ST1300) is in the shop and the Fuel Injection (FI) Code (2 short blinks) lead them to the Fuel Injection Map Sensor. I walked in after closing time to the dealer, the doors were still open, and I heard, "We're closed, sir". It was the manager/owner(?) - he's actually been talking to me more, and was joking around since I know them all and said he was. This little part (>$100) and the labor would be expensive, but the bike is still under warranty. I verified it would be under warranty today. And then Roger, the Service Manager, mentioned that it's suppose to be really nice tomorrow - ah, yeah ... I know. Roger told me if wanted to stop by and I could use his bike for awhile tomorrow! Very tempting, but I don't know if I could. But then ... I might. Roger asked, cause I think he knows me, if the Map Sensor sounds like it could be the problem. Yep, I had researched Fuel Injection and what a Map Sensor does, and it kind of makes sense. Definitely would throw high idle off and the rich mixture I could smell at times. He's gotten the OK from his District Manager to "do as the repair manual suggests". The FI can be expensive to fix and troubleshoot - there were other reasons for his DM saying this also. I guess the DM will be there Tuesday ... when the bike should be done.

I had been talking to Roger earlier about White Nose syndrome (WNS) - it has caused many mines and caves to be closed this year out on the East coast. And a few caves in Indiana have been closed as a preventative. It is literally killing off many of the bats - a really bad thing if ya really don't know the good bats do. I love bats. Over the past few years I've been seeing more and more of what was once the endangered Indiana Brown Bat around my house. As kids down in Southern Indiana near the old coal mines of Universal/Clinton, now strip mines, we would tie rocks into small pieces of cloth and throw them near the few street lights in Universal and watch the bats dive at them. But I do like bats. Rogers family and in-laws were going to some cave in Southern Indiana, I told him he may want to make sure the cave was still open - no one around hear has heard of WNS!? I didn't even know about it until Jan went to make me some camping reservations - I'm taking the motorcycle bike down to Clifty Falls State Park in a month or two.

Can't wait to get the motorcycle back .... I'm actually surprised, my mom hasn't tried to contact me since the one time with the fake phone calls ....

Mood: Good! And Frustrated

Sundays, Jan and I usually go out for some coffee or whatever - on the motorcycle if it's nice. I demonstrate to Jan the issue of the motorcycle starting cold as we were in the barn. And explain if you're used to twin cylinder (thumper) bikes, how it could sound ... normal to some, even mechanics if that's all ya see. Actually a rider started a big twin cylinder just after we got to Starbucks - idled really low and ya could almost swear it was going to die. I assured Jan, and she has heard how my bike normally sounds, that 4 and 6 cylinder bikes don't normally idle like that nor are that rough.

Anyway, we were out in the barn and were talking a little before we got there about a recent topic. I said, "Ya know, there's something I want to tell you. But I don't want you to take it the wrong way." Jan claimed she wouldn't - I don't keep anything to myself any more; I'm gonna say it one way or another. I told Jan that anymore she makes it real hard for me to "care for" and to "get close" to her because she just won't take care of herself - healthwise. And I just can't be close to someone who won't take care of their self. I mean, why would I want to get close to someone who won't look after their health. You're headed for heartache if you "care" or get close" - and its not like I don't suggest/mention it increasingly. And I ain't the only one, Cori has told Jan the same thing, basically. Jan rarely goes to the doctor. I can't even sleep next to her because she's so warm! She can literally hold a digital thermometer in her closed hand and it reads +96-98°! Skin Temperature! Cori held it and I held it - out of range, too cold. I just had Eric do it also, out of range, too low. Skin temperature should not be that! I had Jan do it again after having Eric do it. Jan's temp was at 93° within moments of grabbing it - if she won't listen to me, maybe the kids can get through to her? But Jan blows it off. I'm practically sleeping on the desk next to the bed because she gets cold, scoots next to me, and I just sweat ... I have to move away. It actually causes me weird dreams when I'm sleeping and too warm - usually running, or underground and digging, and sleep talking. Yeah, weird I know.

Jan does nothing for exercise and this really concerns and worries me. Jan can't walk real far and can carry nothing except of minor weight. Cori, and even me with my spine, can carry more and further. I still ride my motorcycle, camp, and hike. As well as work around the house/yard and more. I hurt, I shouldn't be doing it, but it's my choice. Granted, I know I push myself. I know, and I don't expect others to respond in the same way. I just can't let myself go and could never end up house bound or close to bedridden again. But Jan does not have these health issues and just chooses to not exercise or partake of various activities. And as I tell her in a serious-joking way (it's just my way to act things out in exaggerated ways) - I always use exaggerations and extremes to get a point across - she's soft. Thing is, she knows and agrees! I love her, but can't get her to realize it hurts me, I worry and am concerned. Jan is promising to go to the doctor soon to have her thyroid checked and a general check-up and blood work. I can't get close ... care about someone that does not care enough or think of how I feel about them and what they mean to me. And I've run into this before.

Other than the above, things are going good. It's nice to have both kids home if even for a short time. Eric leaves Wednesday to go back to Boston. Picks a friend up in Ohio and is taking her back. And then it's on to Goddard (NASA Internship) to do work on the Hubble Space Telescope replacement. Cori will be here and working the remainder of the summer - Jan has been letting the BF come over more often than I would. Sorry, he's lied to me to often and while I try to act civilized towards him ... it's difficult. He's got away's to go before I'll trust/believe him again. Jan has been helping him a lot in trying to get him into a mechanic type trade school - no family, mother dead, father's location unknown since he was 4 ... he's on his own and things are stacked against him. An issue of diagnosed ADD, since early childhood, plagues him. Along with recent law run-ins. At times I seriously think my daughter has a mild from of ADD, and Jan told me tonight I may be right. 'Cause she sees it too. Honest, I don't give up on people easily, but he's really pushed some limits with me. And the know-it-all attitude ... drives me nuts. Especially after my camping gear getting a little messed up. Jan has helped him with meeting with recruiters from several schools and is helping him fill out the paperwork and financial aid. Why ain't I helpin'? More Jan's choice then mine. I would help, but for whatever reason I'm being excluded even with my offers of assistance? Jan mentioned something about the intense training of the one school and that he could finish quicker. I was like and he could take to really long classes and learn? With his ADD which would really be better for him? Hmmm, now I do get asked a few questions to help. I do want him to do well ... it's my kid that he's interested in.

I've been working hard, as best I can, on my Motorcycle Touring Document. I'm moving it from an HTML presentation and blog posts and stopped teaching myself XHTML and putting it into a more familiar format. I love learning, but was spending far to much time learning and teaching myself XHTML and in presenting the content than I was in producing actual content. So, I've moved it into a more familiar document format and am concentrating on the content more - I already now how to format it within this context. And so the document is becoming just that ... a document as opposed to posts within my blog. Once I get the current changes and formatting complete I'll put it up with more to follow soon after ... I hope. It should be in a searchable PDF by the time I put it up - Index with sections and subsections.

Mood: Amused ...

Ya know, having a motorcycle that is more popular in Europe, Africa, and Asia can be frustrating. All my accessories ... they come from Europe (the Honda Line gear). I live in a pretty small town, not really that small anymore. There's only one Honda dealer (now) and the people whom I've befriended, from sales people, mechanics, front people, and parts people ... they'll tell ya, they just don't see or sell many of these ST1300s. So when there's a problem they just don't know without a lot of research and futzing 'round.

Today, I started the motorcycle out in the barn. It started rough and didn't hit high idle. I didn't touch it this time. It finally hit high idle for a few seconds and then it dropped and became rough, again. At the same time, the FI (Fuel Injection light came on ... solid). OK, now I was not going to let it die out and grabbed the throttle. I gave it a little gas and of course, as usual, it just took off without me turning the throttle further - the idle off and the mixture way off since I could smell the gas and hear the backfiring right at the head/exhaust manifold. I drove straight to the dealer. As soon as I got there I parked it, left it run, and before I could get off it ... it started flashing a code - 2 short. I got the mechanic to ensure he seen it. Cool, we agree that it is two short - repeating. But why the solid? I go to leave and the FI light goes solid again. Ahhh, but this time I'm paying attention. In the barn I put the bike on its center stand. At the dealer I use the side stand. Flip down the side stand, which has sensors attached (this I know), and the solid FI becomes a code. Flip the side stand back up and the FI code becomes a solid light again. Yeah, the mechanic didn't know this, but I went back in and told them. So, next week I'll drop off the bike - Eric's home and his permit is still good, so I want to have it home in case he'd like to try and take it for a ride. So the error, a 2. But I didn't hang around to see what that code was since I was heading out for awhile.

Since I now have an affordable WiFi plan, I checked out errors for the FI. The most detailed information came from a blog in ... TAIWAN! See, Asia. It confirmed the side stand as a factor in the equation. Still, don't know what the two short blinks is the code for, but I'll find out.

Steaks tonight, but I don't know if I'm cooking or Eric. Eric usually likes to cook on the grill when he comes home. It was interesting hearing of some of his projects and classes. Especially the one for the Google X Prize of landing a craft on the moon, taking a photograph, and then another from 50m away (I think he said. And of course I don't think it mattered if the direction was x,y, or z). Eric talked of some of the testing gear he was lead programmer on and got to be the one to throw the switches for startup - small fans (6-8") capable of 100 Newtons of thrust each, spinning at 24000RPM, and drawing +100 amps each! Cool.

I kept waitin' for Jan to say something ... we're suppose to go camping this Monday, but Eric is home. Jan ... has said nothing. And ya know, I just can't be that mean. I finally ask Jan last night, knowing the answer because of how everyone else in this family plans things, why she reserved a campsite while Eric was going to be home. The response, known, "Because I didn't know when he was coming home." OK, as much as I hate this, I tell her, "Ya know ... we don't have to go if you don't want." And while Eric and I don't say a whole lot to each other, we do talk and have conversations. And I like hearing of what he's doing or going to be doing. Jan still hasn't really decided, but I know we'll probably end up staying home.

Mood: Disbelief ...

Post For May 20:
Eeehhhhh ... Why should today be different from any other? I'm just kinda ... here. Like the brass numbers out on the front of the house attached to a large cedar post, the numbers have become weathered and colored. They're there but ya can't really see 'em and you really don't pay them any notice. Not like when they were bright and shiny and told ya, "You looking at me? Yeah, this is the place." I mean even if they could talk right now ... you'd probably just ignore 'em cause ya can't see 'em - no one here listens, except me. Anymore, I think I'm kinda like those numbers ... .

Jan and I have had several ... discussions. OK, one was really just me talking (and then answering - what else is new?) for three hours. I went hoarse. And I still don't think my point got across? Therefore frustration levels are still high and all kinds of strange thoughts. Did discover that if Jan and I were to ever really have a discussion - you know where one person talks (the talker) the other listens (the listener) and then the roles reverse, the talker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the talker - it would, quite literally, take a month or more for the simplest of discussions. I'm accused of not allowing Jan to respond. OK, then I really don't know why I keep throwing in those Loooong pauses (maybe it's dainbramage? Could be, as I usually go off and talk to the floor, picture frames, and walls as if they're listening and responding 'cause I'm gettin' no response from Jan!). Or I'm told I shut her down when she tries to say something ... to talk. Guilty! I admit it, yes. But when it's the same thing she's been saying over and over ... Yeah, I get frustrated since it si statements without reason she normally supplies. And no matter what Jan says (and Cori), Because! and Bullshit! ARE NOT ANSWERS! They are statements ... STATEMENTS they provide without supporting logic (why). Come on, yeah must have some feeling, some gut instinct about a subject we talk about ... ANYTHING! But no, "I have to think about it ..." "Let it sit [fester]", Jan says. But when it can take literally days for a response, if one is given ... conversations become quite cumbersome and not really enjoyable ... or real conversations. Granted, I think, my mind running all the time playing scenarios and what-if with situation pending and possible, may not be normal. Though I think it is or should be. Say something to me and yes, I take an extra step or two (sometimes more) and can see ... KNOW where it is leading.

I ask (tell, anymore) Jan to tell me what her feeling is on what we're talking about - attempting to converse about - and I won't hold her to it if it's just an initial thought or gut feeling that she's not sure of! Hell, I do it all the time. If we talk about something I've not thought about or considered I will give my initial thought, my initial feeling, and maybe even why it is what it is. But, I'll tell ya it may change if I really need to think about or consider it - and I do ... and have!

Not going any further with this, but I've told Jan ... as I've told her many times in the past, "This is a bit, more than a bit actually, frustrating ... ." Jan had gained a certain amount of self confidence that she badly needed as we were dating and I tried to help her get it, to build her up. And she kind-a started to get it, but with the arrival of the kids ... it was gone. After Cori's little incident I stepped back, again. Because, I was told, "I don't understand", "I'm to hard (Cori and the BF saying this)" and Jan wasn't really saying anything or backing me up (attempting to be friends with all when a parent was needed. Jan just so wrapped up with becoming like her mom (yeah, already wrote about that))- anymore, I'm used to it. Cori's BF has lied to me, more than once. And I can't take it. It's the one personality trait (along with thief) that I cannot and will not stand for. Cori packed up her car to come home from college for the summer and Eric should be home this weekend for awhile before starting his stuff at Goddard with NASA.

Cori claimed she could not unpack her car by herself and wanted the BF to help. Jan had Cori call me to see how I felt about it, though it was not how it came out from Cori - don't ever play Chinese Telephone with Jan or Cori, it's a bad connection. Cori called to see if it was OK with me - mom had said to call me. I lost it ... No, I really did. Ya know, yes, I want to be friends with my kids, but I'm still and always will be a parent first. I made my position clear and Jan's been handling the little incident with Cori and the BF 4 wheelin'. As well as other little things we've been finding out about. Why has Jan been doing it. 'Cause I would have taken the car from Cori. And the BF would have restricted times to see Cori when she was at school, not as often as what we've been finding out about. And I'm the only one who thinks about the college handbook ... the rules Cori may be violating because she's not read them! But, I'm to hard, to harsh ... wow? So, Jan's handling it. And it's interesting to see and hear how she views things ... and just caves-in. Jan can't be disliked. I can't stand the way Cori treats Jan ... I lose it every time. And Jan just blows it off. As much as I'd like Cori to have had the help I wanted and she needed, Jan needs to see and realize it and the effect its had ... the effect of having to be liked.

Anyway, went and seen the pain doc today. Got the pump refilled and asked him my strange little question - to turn the morphine pump down. I explained why and my need to see what and where I hurt to be able to focus thoughts and other on and to see if a few things happing - headaches, ear ringing, mouth dryness ... - get better without a large amount of morphine being infused. The doc actually said OK and suggested cutting the dose in half! Cool, I'm kind of an all or nothing type guy anyways, and want to see the effect. From the way he talked and the nurse, who kept reminding me they were in the office tomorrow should I need, I'm not the first to request this. The doc said not to wait until my next appointment if I cannot take it, but to call and they'll get me in as soon as they can. The doc had some questions on a computer he has ... sounds infected to me. What is it with these people running without protection?

I got Dano's computer back to him. I managed to get the Windows 7 RC to run on it, so he now has a year to save for a new computer. It's slow, but he can't afford to upgrade the memory to the 1GB max his machine can support - it only has 512K right now. And some programs just throw it into deadly swapping. But, I managed to get a few well behaved apps and he should have all he needs.

My motorcycle, the Honda ST1300, has had issues for awhile. The FI (Fuel Injection Light) has come on occasionally - very sporadic. It did this several times last summer. But as of late the idle has been off, the mixture seems off, and I've heard backfiring right up at the exhaust manifold. And the FI coming on more often, solid, but eventually going out or going out when stopped and restarted. This condition is mainly when its cold or has sat for several hours and then restarted. It usually dies when started, it can't reach idle. Grab the throttle, hand feed it to reach 2000RPM and suddenly it will take off to 3000-3500RPM without moving the throttle! And yeah, I told them all this, but ... typical support type action. They've looked at it but could find nothing. But, when you're used to working on the twin cylinder engines that always sound like that, I can understand why they're not hearing/seeing it. But this is not the norm for this bike - I know.

Leaving Starbucks on 5-21 after the motorcycle sat for a few hours it started and ran rough. OK, it's annoying. But when I started into traffic it hesitated - I hate that. Again, this is a recent thing and it's getting worst. But once I got going I noticed the FI light on solid. I take off and head to the dealer. I pull in, park it, leave it running so I can have someone see it, and it started flashing! OK, I knew this was a code by how it was flashing - first time its done this. I get the mechanic and they take in to look at it. Well, my bike, a 2006, does not have a computer interface and the code would not repeat. Turns out the code is complicated anyway. If it flashes on for 1.3 sec that is a long and you add 10 for the diagnostics code. Shorter ones are added on as ones. The mechanic didn't know this when I shoed him the flashing indicator and all I could remember was three flashes, I had no idea of longs and short! Hell, I don't work on them! He felt the idle was too low and upped it. Despite my saying that is a symptom not a problem. So now when my bike does warm up it idles at 1250-2000RPM! Too high. I argued with the mechanic - I still think it's the ECM (Engine Control Module) I tried to explain it has gone on solid many times - essentially, according to the manual, declaring itself bad! But this time it had to start blinking after being on solid all the way to the dealer! I tried to explain the logic, the fact that it had already been reporting itself bad, so the blinking could be, again, a symptom of the failure - it's almost like someone who has brain cancer, knowing it, but complaining only of a headache! How can the ECM be trusted when it has reported 4-5 times it is the failure (this in their own manual)? Logic lost on this mechanic, but I do trust this newer guy - not everyone gets logic, but he is smart and dedicated. I know a lot of people don't view things the way I do. He even showed me the manual, so I could see the codes and how to read them - he found it complicated, but I got the logic right off. And I really only need to tell him how many long and short, though several codes, stored, may be reported. Funny, the manual didn't say how-long the pause between codes is? But, I know if I see it I can figure it out, it'll be just a longer pause between the different codes, I'm sure, if there are multiple codes.

Roger, the service manager, and I talked today, 5-22, when I took Dano his computer. I explained the logic of how I was looking at my ST1300's problem and how I really think it's the ECM. He seemed to agree with me - Roger is pretty intelligent and logical. I told him about the idle being too high now since the mechanic upped it yesterday in response to a symptom, a symptom I had told them about. And that it's a symptom, not a problem. He understood. I can't leave the bike there for as long as the mechanic was hinting - he wants to check out each connection, end to end. I use it! And luckily Roger knows this, so when I bring it in Roger already told the mechanic that he can check it out, but if within a day or two, he's calling Honda. This is an advantage to knowing and helping these guys out. This bike keeps me going with my spine being the way it is and I can't go without it. Roger also knows I'll be traveling again this summer and he does not want me having problems on the road and having to have another Honda dealer figure out the problem - He wants to fix it. Checking the connections ... I just don't know. Shorts and opens show themselves more when you accelerate or brake, not when the bike just sits!

Well, been a few days since the morphine pump has been tweaked down. I can deal with my current level of pain. The side effects are dying down, but will take awhile - biggest change is in my vision ... cool. It'll be interesting to see what happens when I become a little more active - Jan and I are going camping this coming Monday. As I told the pain doc, I wish there was one I could adjust within provided guide lines (I Know there is). I don't need this full dosage all the time. And I don't want it. If I could give myself a bolus or turn it up when I need it, that would be great. And I know there has to be a pump like this. The physician sets the parameters and I can control it within those parameters. I'm going to keep trying to see if he knows of a device or not. But, I'll deal with my pain for right now. Of course it can still get much worse, but if it will return to where it is now ... I'll deal, unless it's to devastating.

I finally signed up for a monthly WiFi Plan from Boingo, so I can be on-line more while out or traveling and there's a HotSpot around. Unlimited for only about $10/mo. I can handle that, but I also seen on-line that Verizon may be making a deal sometime soon with Boingo to provide WiFi for their FiOS and DSL customers - I have Verizon DSL. But I ain't waiting and signed up. I can always cancel if they ever do come to a deal.

Mood: Lost ...

Kinda like the new Ben Lee release, The Rebirth of Venus (Deluxe Version). Glad to see other males struggle with their other side that some many deny, ignore or have just completely lost touch with. Cori called me today, asked about the format of her appeals letter. Cor had already read it to Jan, but a lot was missing? To me, it should contain details as to why you feel the decision was wrong/flawed. Should have been decided by a student committee, but then why did the security guard, clearly biased and stated so, and the floor person who excused herself because she was to close stay after the involved parties were excused? To me, this is a flaw, an omission of the rules? Should they have not stated their case, presented their evidence when the parties were present and left while a decision was rendered? Why did they reaming after the parties were excused? Did they provide additional input? And if they did, shouldn't the parties involved have been privy to what they said? It's still all a case of your word versus mine, there is no hard evidence. I understand why Cori was charged with a few of the things she was, and trying to explain it to her and Jan ... that was a chore. Cori is responsible for her guest and their conduct on the private property of the school. Ain't no two ways about it. And they fracked up, Cori and her BF. No matter how much the BF wanted to help ... defuse ... make it go away, they tampered with stuff they should not have and didn't listen - I've talked to both of them and tried to make them understand. Thinking ... why is it so rare these days?

Jan had OK'ed Cori appeals letter last night, But I was just confused as Hell when I heard it! Cori asked about signing it and how, I explained. I asked, "Who's it addressed to?" Cori, "I dunno ..." I ask, where are you taking it? Is it an on-line form? Cori, "No, I have to take it this person over in this department in the other building." Yeah, OK. Ya need to find out the name of the department and that is who you'd address it to. And you need to see, since the charges cite state laws, if there is criminal or other stuff filed with the police ... do you now have a record?!

Poor Obi Wan (Ben the dog). I'm now ahead of him by 4 - I've gotten 4 more moles than him and his digging. I have this sand pit in the back/side yard. It's where the above ground pool used to be, though it was dug out so it was over my head when it existed. The kids got older and we had this huge wooden playset and swing. I offered it to my new neighbor when they had their first kid. In exchange, he offered to fill in where the pool used to be since he works at a pit and also had access to heavy machinery. He moved the playsets to his place and filled in the hole from the pool with sand and I distributed a thin layer of top soil. Well, the other day I seen where a mole had tunneled into the sand, along the edge. He had pushed up several large mounds as you can see in the photos. I managed to set the choker trap along a tunnel and by the next day I had a rather large mole - looked to be female. In the sand, most of the traps don't work, but I figured the Choker Trap would ... and it did. It was a large sucker and luckily Obi didn't try digging it up - I had a long talk with him when I set the trap and told him, "No!"

The tunnels leading up to the sand were deep. But the sand forced the critter up a little ways, the tunnels were still deep. but I didn't have dig a small pit just above the tunnel. I wasn't sure how long it had been in the trap, so I didn't give the mole to Obi to play with. When Jan and I went out on the bike the other day, I caught a glimpse of movement on the barn floor and went over by the gas cans to confront the mouse. Almost had him cornered when it leapt at me, I tried to hit it to the floor, hard, but missed since I still had a hold of the gas can - Jan screamed and started the Critter Dance, kinda a jump'n around thing. I threw some bait chunks around that I had on a shelf. Next day, the large rodent was laying near where I park my bike, it was dead. But, there was also a hairless baby mouse close by, alive! OK, I'm not cruel and I wasn't going to let it suffer. I felt bad about having to (quickly) kill the infant, but I ain't raising mice. I mean, yeah I used to have pets, rats and such as a child, but not a mouse. Seems something carried off the mother mouse's carcass, I hope it was the d@mn raccoon raiding the neighbors garbage - he won't come into my yard with the dogs and probably knows I'm armed anyways.

I've been hurt'n, bad, for days now. I knew it was coming on, but could not describe it to Jan. I can only apologize after the fact and try to explain ... when I felt like talking and just generally interacting with people again. Most everyone else, looks at me and asks/says something about pain ... a bad day. But Jan just can't ... see(?) it. I walk into Starbucks and the one woman said about how it just pains her heart when I look as I do. Even guys, some, pick up on it. Still going to have the doc turn the pump down - have too. I'm getting my new tires for the motorcycle today, YEA! Tired of having to be so cautious in moisture and getting stuck in road ruts - the center hard rubber of the tire is higher than the shoulders and I get caught in cracks in the road and such. Plus in the wind it's a little hard to shift from the center to the tire shoulder. These Road Pilot 2 tires have lasted over 11000 miles - not bad for sport/touring tires on a motorcycle. They lasted my whole ride last year. The mechanic at the dealer I take my bike to tried these tires on his sport bike, but only got a few thousand miles out of them? Most of the driving around here, home, is straight, so the higher hard rubber in the center was not to bad for driving around here.

I went into Starbucks this weekend, I was on the bike, and the one Barista asked if I had gotten my new tires yet! It had rained a little earlier. I told her I was getting them later in the week. She said good, 'cause she was worried about me riding with the tires I had - several of them actually told me throughout last week to get tires soon!

Eric, my son, is coming home soon before he starts his summer stuff for NASA at Goddard Flight Center. So that means no trip for Jan and I to Cambridge, MA. Jan says we'll go in the fall ... Uh-Huh, sure we will .... I'm still going to take off for a little trip somewhere this summer. Managed to salvage files, photos mainly, from a laptop the parts guy at my motorcycle dealer gave me to look at. Just waiting to hear from him to see if I can reload his laptop from scratch with the Windows 7 RC - I downloaded a copy and got him a number/key - and several for me.

Almost time to go meet Jan and see a movie - IMax.

Mood: Unconcerned

I keep trying to move forward and I keep gettin' yanked back. Cori's undergoing a bit of grief, but to me ... it isn't surprising or all that unexpected. Everyone seems to dwell on the here and now, not why it became the here and now, the circumstances surrounding or leading up to this potential (now reality) point in time.

I fly under the radar for most things ... I don't unnecessarily draw attention to myself. I enjoy being told and modestly accept, but do not expect, worldly items when I meet or exceed expectations in the the things I enjoy doing; especially when I worked and programmed at numerous places. And even now when I help others - computers or otherwise. Never really discussing myself, my gains, but always available to help and build others which show a desire and interest in anything. And maybe, in a sick way, quash those who seek only answers and the easy way - the leeches. I haven't the time, but then .... My son Eric, exactly like me with respect to the above - as much as he hates hearing (or used to) the similarities in us.

Cori, quite the opposite of Eric and myself, and much unlike Jan. Attention seeking and when young, used anger and more to get the desired attention - the only things Jan and I have ever truly clashed on, the kids. And the majority of it brought on by Cori and her actions or inaction's. I brought it up, pointed it out, I fought to have it figured out. But Jan cannot be disliked or have the kids upset with her. Even after confirmation of an issue, an initial diagnosis, Cori threw such a fit that Jan stopped the help - as I've discussed before. Now Jan (and Cori) wonder why we're where they (we) are?

Jan called me yesterday telling me I was correct, Cori found guilty on several counts, but not all - Just as I told her Cori would be when Jan asked me before the outcome - school issues. Cori is the type to escalate teasing, taunting, tormenting, and such when it is done to her; She just has to one up it. Cori can come off as the proverbial bull in the China shop. Why, why can Jan nor Cori see this? Though the other individual in this little drama doesn't seem to have gotten what she wanted? Cori describes the looks changing from I want to hurt you to the current I want to murder you in your sleep! Cori maintains her innocence and has started the appeals portion. Interesting in that the impartial panel overseeing/deciding the "your word versus my word with no evidence on either side"included the security guard who had already decided and said at the time, and the little hearing thing, "I know you're lying." - why doesn't anyone else just JUMP on that statement? God, I'm so animated ....

Way back, when I pointed out the problem (not potential, not maybe, it was a problem!) I had to be wrong ... something had to be wrong with me. When professionals confirmed suspicions with an initial diagnosis ... my suspicions, not anyone else's, they had to be wrong. When I tried and tried, to the point of harping on Jan about Cori's attitude and lying, I had to be wrong - the medications for my spine doing this to me; though it manifested itself in no other way other than what I knew and even talked/wrote about. Despite any and all proof ... mother's can be so blindly committed to their children. And I know this. It's part of the reason I left at 12-13 years of age. It's the reason I know the things I do. I've lived a good portion of it. I've seen it in and happen to so many others throughout my life. But unlike many, I go back and try to figure out why, why did it go the way it did, and the various mistakes I've made I've worked to correct and understand - Learning? The reason for the accusations of me being to detail oriented, anal.

I couldn't take Jan's breaking down on the phone when she called me about Cori. Blindness! It just took and totally changed my mood, changed to the point I told Jan, "Just Stop It!" Which was interesting, because she did, her crying and wallowing gone within a few spoken words. Even when I got home, I sat outside ... in the rain for awhile. Experiencing the frustration and such I've felt ever since Jan slipped back into her old self when the kids came along - and I had thought she had made much progress? We, again, had a long talk. Jan can't see how her actions and inaction's and those of Cori lead up to the current situation. I go off on the things that happened, didn't happen, and how we ended up here. It's hard for me to be upset when it was obvious the speed of this freight train and the curves ahead. Jan admits even now, she could not act any differently even if it were to the detriment of our child! She cannot take a stern stance. A reason I did much of the child rearing.

Jan so afraid of being like her mother, but I have to point out ... she's kinda doin' it! Feeding Cori's baiting. And I explain how I've positioned myself in this whole thing, I've learned and it ain't that hard. Cori no longer targets me with this pointless attention seeking when there are easier targets. Not hard to figure out, especially if someone is willing to show ya, as I do for Jan. But, I fear it is still to no avail.

I am who I am for the sake of Jan and myself second - I made my choices. Even though I know this, have told Jan so many times, myself second, I don't think she quite gets it? Jan knows and admits to the many faces I can wear and how I can be/act for the sake of people/situations. So many people have asked me if I've ever been in the theater - the way I can act, act roles out (each differing part, stepping from one to the other seamlessly) in various scenarios, my high amount of animation when I speak passionately or with emotion ... which, anymore, only puts me into a world of hurt. I am what Jan wants, needs, and perhaps desires, what I desire to do. Yet, as I promised myself and wrote about here, I have not slipped blindly back into that role and won't. I play it, the role, but I voice my opinion, discontent and frustrations, and it is without regard to the other's feelings. But doing this act for Jan for so long, even with outlets, is still taking its toll. Jan is oblivious to true deep emotion and feelings ... something which I am more than capable of and actually desire. But, it's not what she wants or needs, at least yet. Jan thinks she is making great strides in making changes. But, I point out the things that have happened, what we've (more I've) gone through and had to endure. And when I, for the first time, expressed the frustration at her inability to accept and maybe show some true feelings/emotion I was told, "I can't be that mushy." Great strides, but it is now expected that I change everything I am, became for her, and that I do it instantly as circumstances warrant.

I still have and can show what I am, what I have, what I'm capable of, and the depth of my emotions and feelings, but not in the context of the relationship built ... that I built more for her. Jan has no problem acknowledging this. I'm not saying it couldn't happen, that I'm not capable, or that I've given up/in. But if it were to happen, it would be slow, it would take time. Just as it did to conform/adapt to then and the current. Thirty plus years together and I've learned and configured myself for what the other desired, wanted ... and you just can't turn it on and off like a light switch or a change in a digital circuit state. It was not just conforming to/for Jan, I attempted to change ... to get Jan to view things differently and not be so ... distant, emotionless, and silent. But, that typically ended in failure and resulted in more changes required on my part. It started, Jan could never say, "I Love You" if any one where around or could hear. This continued even for a short time after we married. It was finally overcome. Kissing Jan, a challenge at first, especially again, if anyone could see. Again, finally overcome. I used to sleep entwined with Jan - a leg, an arm on/over her ... close. But after years of the question, "Why?", I moved away - location wise in the bed. I would still be right next to her. And it was asked, "Why?". Over years and constant questioning it went to just a touch as I slept. But, again it was always, "Why?". I moved further over, by myself. And this all starting before the kids and worsening after. Jan sees it as ancient, why dwell on it? But then why the sudden change? For me and my memories this is only part of the story, part of a pattern that developed. Much of this Jan cannot even recall or maybe just bits-and-pieces.

These month long trips on my motorcycle I've been taking ... by myself, alone. I need just to clear my head and let everything go ... the frustration, thoughts .... I tell Jan I could still be a loner and happy, but she doesn't think so - more a state of denial to me. Because I do know and really don't want and try not to think about it ... though at times it's difficult. I haven't given up or I wouldn't still impose the (now) physical pain of speaking with the passion and emotion I still do to Jan. Though I wonder, as I always have, is it getting me anywhere? Is she getting it? It took the six years of pretty much being alone (save a brief time and realization I was moving towards to begin with) to break the structure I'd built and decided to consider myself more, which is what resulted in much change (for me anyway) and upheaval for everyone else - I quit being quiet.

I wrote and posted this years ago - with minor changes as the original was literally written within minutes. I can forgive, but I can't forget. And that has always been me and one aspect of myself I can't change. This poem is the first thing of all my words, my pleading's, my feelings, my emotion that ever got through to Jan and sparked some change and hope.

6 Years, Alone

6 years I lay there ... Alone
6 years I cried there ... Alone
Yet you were always there
There to help and to be a wife
But never to help with my needs, my life

I had no contact, but a companion
My life, my strife, my pain
There was no life
I had lost you and our life
I had no hope
You and the kids could not cope

But I had a friend
And was told it had to end
Despite being a friend
A source of emotion and compassion
A source of hope
It was destined to end
It had to end ...

I'm told now is the time to forgive and forget
Now is the time to return to what was
But, 6 years I lay there ... Alone
6 years I cried there ... Alone
And now to throw it, blow it away

I can forgive, but I cannot forget
I cannot return to what was
As my thoughts will always be
6 years I lay there ... Alone
6 years I cried there ... Alone
I had no hope
You could not cope

And when it happens again
Will I have a friend?
Or will there be no hope
Because you cannot cope
I want you here, I want you there
But, this is my fear

I cannot forget
I cannot throw it, blow it away
I don't want to be there
Another time to lay there ... Alone
Another time to cry there ... Alone

I wonder, should I be alone?
I want you here, I want you there
But this is my fear ...

Mood: Slow ...

Interesting, I changed the battery in my Bose QC2 Headphones yesterday while at Starbucks and I lost sound quality? It wasn't just flat it was absolutely no tone. I futz'ed around with the PC, Audigy 2 card, iTunes Equalizer, but nothing fixed it. Even rebooted. I shut the headphones off again, just as I did when I changed the battery, removed the battery, gave a slow count to 5, reinstalled the battery, and powered them back on ... everything was then fine!? Have never had this happen before.

Max, the 120lb Pit Mix, will not leave my side if I'm in real bad pain. That's him laying there right next to my side of the bed. Makes it real hard to get out and to get back in. And he won't move. Each dog has their place in the bedroom, unless something, usually my pain, upsets some balance. My neck has been giving my some real problems and pain, hence the dog right next to me. And if I sit in a chair, Max is at my feet, Obi - +80lb Black Lab - is pretty much in my lap, and Maggie - the Black Lab mix - wanders over every once in awhile. My dogs, I love 'em. Sometimes I think they really know who brought them home and into their current life.

I've been moving slow as of late, pain. I walk into Starbucks and the Barista says, "Every time I see you Mr. Mike, you're moving a little slower and it pains my heart." "At least I'm still moving.", I tell her. They had my "usual" readied for me as soon as I walked in. I ask if I could pay in a few minutes after my wife gets there. Not a problem, but I say, "I don't really think I'll be running off without paying ..." Most of them got it, but several are newer from stores around the area that have closed. But even they know me from coming in so much. Jan makes fun of me because I have my own mug. It's set off to the side in the cabinet and is one of the older heavier ceramic mugs, not the newer Corelle type. It's the only mug of this type they have left. When a previous one got broke, one of the managers obtained another of these mugs from ... who knows where. The Corelle cups dissipate heat far to fast - I like to sit and sip my tea.

Today, Jan and I had some food and such, and talked about Cori's woe's before Jan went to work. Seems Cori has been taking much of my advice. She's surprisingly gotten very organized with what she's doing - I don't want to say to much until it's over, but it is amusing. Things I've told her, she never considered or realized (nor Jan) about proving a time-line. Impressive, as even Jan has been considering things, made realizations, and has built on what I've told both of them. Yeah, that's it for now. But, I did rip into Jan, Cori last night, for something Cori wanted to say and told me mom said, she should. Aahh, no you shouldn't and I explained why - good thing she told me. Having them take things they kinda know and building on methodologies I use all the time (and they should know or at least consider in some way) seems to be working really well. More later, maybe.

Please, settle on a name. I've pre-ordered Yusuf's new album Roadsinger. Of course the last album was called Yusuf Islam, An Other Cup and many years before that he was Cat Stevens.

It's time to have my thyroid checked again, see if anything has changed. Jan is going to make me an appointment. It should be in my file already and I should be able to just go have the test and then get the results. My freak'n neck is killing me but it's hard to say if it's my spine or something to do with my thyroid. Guess we'll see soon.

I need my bike back and hopefully the tires changed soon. I'd love to take off, if even on my motorcycle, for a few short trips. I need to get out and move around some. Still waitin' to see if Jan and I are ever goin' on the motorcycle to see Eric. I still think Jan's a bit hesitant. And if she doesn't want to go, I wish she'd just say it, even if it's for some other reason. I have a few Maple Trees out back and I still remember showing the kids when they were young how they were like helicopters coming to the ground when they produced seeds. And then teaching them how to make a really annoying noise! Last night I came home with some soup and sat out on the deck. I have this nasty habit, still, of just picking this seed up, snapping off the seed portion, and placing the remains (Bottom of the photo to the side) into my mouth with the stiffer part towards the back of the throat. Then, all ya have to do is to place it on your tongue, push it up towards the roof of your mouth, leave just a small space, and blow. The thinner portion off the stiff back will vibrate. It's cool, it's annoying! And I just taught a bunch of the neighbor kids how to do it!

I was just listening to my iPod, watching the dogs, and occasionally blowing on this little noise maker. I could hear the kids and pretty soon, after a few loud bursts, I hear a, "Hello?" I kinda, "Hello" back. They thought it was a bird at first. The one small kid, "You remember me?" Yes, yes I do. So, I showed them what it was and how to do it. Jan says she's just wait'n for a phone call. The one family does foster parenting, so there's usually kids around - I like that, though it makes me miss being a CASA that much more. I'm still pretty good at making a loud noise with the helicopter portion and can almost talk using the little green thing. Problem is you have to set it further back in your throat to talk and ya risk swallowing it - SO DON'T DO IT. But, you can still make some of the loudest sounds. Airspace and the size of the helicopter portion determines the sound. Pretty soon I heard the kids I had just shown Screeeeeching back to me ... and I answered. They wear out after awhile, but there's plenty in the yard - just don't grab one where the dogs have been.

Mood: Tired, But Good

I've been avoiding any meds since my return from camping and have actually been do'n pretty good. At times, I wish I was as misguided as my brother's in thinking of meds/drugs/alcohol as an escape. And that they (meds/drugs) affected me as they do them. But then again, I'm too much of control freak and know I could never live a life like that without control and lucidity - besides I'm strange enough without the influence foreign substances in my system. I needed a few meds the other today before going out - neck is getting pretty bad. Next time I see the pain doc I am going to ask him to crank the morphine pump down, waaay down - decrease the dosage. I've thought this through and I just need to see where I am; with the left leg doing better (weak with numb areas), the right leg becoming worse (pain and more), and my neck really bad (though, the morphine effects that very little). I want the pump turned down, but want to ensure I can see him should I not be able to tolerate it. I need this just for the need to know factor and the insight to allow me to know where to focus thought and other. Also, I want to see if it's affecting me a lot in my actions/personality - though I don't feel as a second party - a viewer with little interaction or control - in my own head as the one period in my life. At least this time if there's any withdrawal I'll know what it is, what to expect, and how to deal with it psychologically. Would be nice to get saliva back as I sleep, if even for a short time.

I'm over Cori's latest endeavor into 4 wheeling and my recent camping trip - everything written up. Ahhh, writing is such a wonderful release - though I used to only write in a personal log on my PC for many years after starting disability. I'm back to working on my Motorcycle Touring Document. I take my bike in 4-28 for its 24k maintenance - it has 25k on it right now. It's running a little off and the FI (Fuel Injection) light has come on a few times. I had to get a little curt with Jan in requesting the service be done soon. I'd been asking for awhile and Cori kinda screwed things up with her adventure. But it should have been done sooner, especially since I gave advance notice long before Cori's mudding experience and IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED from all my hints - most of it is still covered by the Gold Card I have. I went to start the bike the other day and it kept dyeing out! I had to gently hand feed it to keep it going. Something is sticking(?)/plugged(?), but it finally cleared up after a little riding, though acceleration was off.

Found the Stimulus Package includes 2009 motorcycle purchases as well as autos - they were posting it at the dealer while I was there. Jan is actually considering letting me trade-in my bike for one with ABS (Anti-Lock Braking System). Slim chance this will happen, but would be nice since I drive year-round.

Seems my son has been accepted to one of the NASA academy's for the summer - Goddard Space Flight Center. There are several of these academy's located around the country and they only take about 8 students each. He's had several offers for internships over the summer - money for school next year - and this NASA thing. He's going with the NASA deal after he found out for sure it included housing. Eric's been Emailed and has confirmed, so the hard copy letters should arrive soon. Sounds like a summer without much sleep according to him. Then, Eric's also been asked, along with a friend, to work with a professor on a funded project - Jan thinks it's a programming professor/class and Eric has already been doing some work on the project. The professor was offering the work as a Year-Op(?) over the summer. But Eric and the friend have summer internships, so it may now be done next year as their required senior year independent project? Sorry, Eric talks to Jan and much is lost from the Geek-Speak of Eric to Jan. Jan described the project as a quad unmanned helicopter capable of outdoor and precision indoor flight. Sounds like, if I understand correctly, a four engine/rotor type thing, like a platform of types. I can see the implication and implementations of a device like this. Wonder if it (will) incorporate similar features or systems of the Osprey fixed tilt wing aircraft? Can only imagine who may be funding this. This is what I deduced once Jan gave me more info and confirmed, from my questions, some of the terms Eric may have used. Hopefully, Eric will come home for a short period before starting his summer stuff.

I've also been asked if it would be OK, Eric through Jan, if several Pikan Alumni (the house Eric lives in at MIT) camped in the backyard as they travel on motorcycles across the country this summer. Not a problem.

Jan has purchased tickets for us to go see The Fray and Jack's Mannequin - we paid for seats and not General Admission or out on the Lawn. This should be good, but screws up our going to see the Wallflowers at Taste of Chicago since it's the same day. I'm still pushing Jan to go to Cambridge, MA. to see Eric, soon! If Eric is too busy, fine. There are other things Jan and I can do. I really want to see how Jan does on a longer motorcycle ride.

MORE DRAMA WITH CORI, OMG. I gett'n tired of this. Rules have been broken, between Cori and us (her parents). And additional accusations made by a former roommate that Cori and/or her boyfriend were responsible for something that happened. Nothing more than the pranks that go on in a Co-Ed dorm, but the bitch making the accusations, without proof, is, in my opinion, wacky! I honestly believe Cori did not do it. Cori knows it's better to tell me the truth, cause if she doesn't and I find out, I'll be on the other side of the table with those trying to hang her out to dry. The roommate and Cori started out well as friends, then as roommates, and then separating - the roommate moving back in with her previous roommate (who, I heard, really didn't want her back!). It devolved from there into a situation similar to that between my siblings and myself - the ol' Have's and Have Not's. Cori has a lot of support from us, her parents and the rest of the family. And yeah, I do take care of my kids. Jan and I work/worked hard to have a few nice things which we also share with the kids. Well, this is a problem for some, those without the same closeness of family and/or caring. Cori's roommate used to take and use things of Cori's, eat things of Cori's, even offer it to others as though it were her's! Even used Cori's computer! All without asking. Cori finally got fed up and told her she doesn't mind sharing, but ASK first and a few things, Cori would've liked for herself. I mean, Jan bakes, cooks, and ships copious amounts to both kids! Care packages during tests and finals. Cori and Eric always share and Jan makes enough so they can. But many parents don't do this and many kids look forward the packages my kids get. Cori can call me anytime and I'd help her. And have! The roommate does not seem to have this kind of support and may have other family issues. She often told Cori, You have so much I didn't think you'd miss it ... - This makes t OK? There's much I ain't going into even though she told Cori directly and hence I heard, but I won't repeat it. Former roommates actions, what they say and do leads me to believe they're troubled in some way.

I offered assistance for some of the roommates computer issues if she could not get them resolved - she resolved them for awhile by using Cori's computer! After which I ended up having to format and reload the system due to corruption and possible infiltrations! And some of the stuff being done as I saw in the history! Wow!. To help preserve the roommate relationship I had to be made into the bad guy - roommate was using Cori's laptop without permission and wanted access to the wireless access point I gave to Cori. And it's fine, I'm used to taking the blame for many things I have nothing to do with just to preserve others sense of self or memories as others would like to remember. I secured the AP with an admin password and access with WPA PSK, neither of which Cori knew or really understands. The information exists in Cori's Password Keeper, but said I forbade her to give it out - kinda true. So, I became the bad guy and even secured Cori's computer better after fixing it - forcing it to lock after a short time. Really only an issue since Cori liked to leave it on when she left the room for the bathroom or other short periods - I tried to get Cori to just hit the lock key, but that was too much for her!?

Other people, friends with both of them, have come up to Cori and said, "You know B---- is trying to get you kicked out." At times the roommate was even acting like Cori's parent!? "You have a paper due, you know! What would your parents say?" And then, why Cori allowed it, I don't know, when Cori said it would get done and she had plenty of time. The roommate would say, well, I have a paper due, so your friend can't come over or in - Cori went out and on return found the roommate wrote 1 page and spent the whole rest of the time rearranging the room! Personally, I know I could never have lived with someone when I was in school - I lived alone in a studio apartment in Chicago when I attended a trade school. I think Cori is finding she may be better off alone too - she is currently. I guess Cori is asking to room with a freshman next year. But still, this person is making accusations and providing no proof - I don't like this and I don't like how Campus Security is handling it - I'm pissed. Cori came home and we talked and as I've said, she (and her BF) have problems with Jan and I right now. I think Cori has gotten the gist of why I'm upset and she seems to be pursuing corrections right now - using some of my words and statements. This is a reason, one of many, I've tried through their entire lives (my kids) to get them to stand up for themselves, confront a person (me back then) with statements of fact and logic and to not be afraid or intimidated, especially if being honest and truthful.

Cori has issues with stating things as I wrote about when the woman cut her off a year or two ago and Cori's story, as she repeated it several times to the cop, caused the cop to accuse Cori of lying. Cori states the story, but changes it as she recalls one thing and/or forgets another - the stories not congruent. Something I tried to explain to Cori back then.

I actually had Cori and her BF write out what happened - a timeline. Independent of each other. And then I went over it. I warned Cori if this goes to the student committee thing - a trial type thing - she really needs to write a statement to keep from getting confused. Cori's not lying, but she gets confused - Jan is the same way. Jan could never pass a lie detector test even if her life were to depend on it - Cori, I think, is the same. Eric and I would be consistent in anything said. Still, I'm ticked at Cori (and the BF) for things I've found out.

Even after Cori was to have taken the BF home and she was to wait for the tow truck - during her off-road adventure - they went back and had a friend try to pull them out, again. Just like me, the friend got stuck. D@mn it! I told them the frame was hung up and just pulling was not going to work. So, that explains the statement on the tow-truck receipt of "Not responsible for fairing damage from previous attempt"! The BF has just screwed himself, good. And personally, I'm not going to contest the schools trespassing order against him, as baseless as it is. Cori's been screwing up too by being less than honest or at least telling us everything. So, she can fight her own battle and I'll just hang around and see if she asks for help, though I keep giving Jan and Cori more ideas. Jan wanted Cori to go to the administration and talk about this person and the baseless, lack of proof accusations she's been making. I told Jan, "Hmmm? Way to step on toes and possibly piss someone off! Doesn't Cori have an advisor?" Jan, "I never thought of that! She knows her advisor real well. I'll tell her to go and talk to her!" Yeah, why else am I here?

All these recent incidents just brought up some stuff which is extremely frustrating to me in Jan and my relationship; has been for sometime - Hhmm, ever since we've been going together? And Jan will bring it up or kick something in conversation and I'll talk, explain, and ask, but it's always the same ... silence from her (old stuff again). And a lot of these events just underscores why I did as I did in raising our kids and echoes decisions I had to make as teenager functioning as an adult as I grew up. Part of the problem, as I explained to Jan, was/is a comfort with an oppressing thumb bearing down on her. Jan was never fully self-assured and had some problems with just standing up for herself: little self-confidence. I've watched many others comfortable with the same situation seeing no need for change. And I can understand the strange type of comfort such a thing could have, especially if not meant in a destructive way.

I lived a similar type of thing, though the thumb on me was twisting to and fro as if to extinguish any resistance or existence. In cases similar to this I've seen people, their sole/spirit broken. They will use the treatment as an excuse for their current situation/life/behavior (my siblings and mom, as well as others). They are quite literally broken and unwilling to fix themselves or their situation, no matter what you show them. Yet, others in this situation, like myself, are pushed towards the opposite extreme of defiance, escapism, confidence, and self-reliance. And as many times as I'd been beat, smacked, thrown ... I didn't give into or accept it. I learned to stand on my own, escape when I could. But to never be the same in action towards others as I was treated/raised. INTENTIONALLY VAGUE - Some past events involving Cori where a determination was made and help could have been rendered, but because Cori was beyond upset, Jan stopped it - this is something I'm extremely pissed about, but health was declining and I couldn't fight it, tried, but couldn't. And it still bothers me because I know it is still carried by Cori and explains much. And Jan, deciding (either consciously or unconsciously) to be the "liked" parent, became very lax with the kids when my health went way down. I just stepped back, as much as I hated too. And now, why are there problems? And who seems to be sought out for answers? Jan is not one for confrontation and has to be liked. She changed before the kids, became more self assured. But slid right back into her previous existence after the kids came along. And me, I gave up and just wrapped myself up in work and in raising my kids. Still, I'm the one who's never afraid to talk about this, wants to discuss and work on it, and am not afraid to admit to or express my frustration, though it really bores much deeper than that anymore.

Mood: Struggling, But Fighting; 'Cept When I Can't

April 4:
Doing good and actually looking forward to camping on Thursday. Jan, keeper of the schedule, couldn't remember if it was today I was to give blood or not. Her method of keeping information is not what I call the best - she always claims it's in the 'ol Steel Trap. But there's this odd sucking sound coming from behind that Steel Trap that I imagine is not unlike that of a black hole or some other vortex in an atmosphere? I keep asking Jan to keep a calendar with her new found computer skills, but no. It was one of the only times the Red Cross gave me a day, but no appointment. Well, Jan called when she got to work and told me they were setting up, so it is today.

I get up and head out. Luckily there were not many people at the Volunteer Fire Department this time around. I registered and told the person I usually give double red, but they didn't give me an appointment this time. She was sure they only wanted O- type for that, but me ... I gotta push it. She asks and they tell her, "No, we want O- or O+ for the double red, but there is a little wait - Like I got anything to really do. OK, got that cleared up. I was soon hooked up and giving twice as many red blood cells as a normal donation, but ya get most of your fluids, and more back.

I wanna get ready for camping. Yeah, I didn't want to use the sleeping bag that my daughter and her BF used just last week - ain't been washed yet. So, I went on a hunt to find one of the other three sleeping bags - one used to be up in Cori's room in the closet. I go up, open the door - closed to keep the cats out - and what do I find? Let's call it an inflated party favor (the photo)? And some waxing strips ... . OK, this is just a-bit much for a father to have to see in his daughter's room (+19 years old, but still my little girl). But hey! I'm a sick-ol-man, take a photo, and send my lovely daughter a photo and text message - she found it very amusing! When Cori called home - I was out - she laughed and asked her mom about it and they just found it so amusing. Yeah, I'm the one who talked with my kids about this stuff in the first place, Jan could never address it. And Cori tries, tries to act so innocent when I mention, before this finding, she better be using more than just the party favor - as she sheepishly grinned and stated, "I don't know what you mean?" Always the game player with me. But, my kids were brought up in the right frame of mind ... educated and at least one parent willing to tell and explain anything asked as non-biased as possible. And both kids are blood donors as well. They have my basic type O, but differing Rh antigen types - Cori the same as me, O+, and Eric O-. So Jan has got to have a negative type(?). Jan has no idea what her blood type is! Jan hates needles, blood ... . It was always me with the kids when little during shots or blood tests. And the little suckers were just like me! They had/have to watch the needle go in! Other kids crying, screaming, and tantrums. Mine, squirming to see the needle go in, no crying or carrying on, and me trying to explain, "They have to watch ..."

April 7:
I managed to get all my camping gear together. There were a few issues from me loaning them out. Why were a lot of things covered in petroleum type liquid - Propane - but I use a 20lb tank. I cleaned them up as best I could and corrected a few things - 'member, I'm a tad bit anal about my stuff and its care. When I got to the campground ... well, the two photos show what the burners on my propane stove were doing when I lit it and went to start making a meal for the dog and myself.

Jan was nice enough to wash all the cooking and eating gear for me. She had me organize and repack everything since she can never get it all back in so it fits. When we camp, I'm the one who has to put everything back for the evening 'cause if Jan does it, the lids of the toters won't go back on - no matter how hard she pushes down!

What da heck did the kids do to my stove?! It's never done this! Did they spill something, boil something over, or try to clean something they shouldn't have? Man, this just pissed me off. I ain't loaning it out again. That flare on the main burner was almost 4 inches in length! And the other burner ... only parts lit and had a flare or two. The only thing I could think of to do was to take my brass grill brush and attempt to clean the burners - something had to be plugging them. As careful as I could, I pushed the brass bristles into the burner holes. And even had to scrub them a little! I got it working close to normal and the flare was much smaller after a bit of cleaning - burnt my grill brush slightly as I had to have the stove on to clean effectively.

Again, before leaving home, as I was going through and checking the gear, I found they had laid the two lanterns on their sides in the toter! D@mn, the mantles are nothing more than ash. I swear, no one thinks anymore. Laying on their sides and being transported home that way, the mantles had, of course, broke/ripped. Yeah, yeah, I know ... I over think everything. But it's why my gear lasts ... even the things that need replacing don't need to be replaced often because of the care I take and the consistency in cleaning, prepping, and packing. No more, this gear is not leaving my sight again! Unless the BF is willing to undergo some training in caring for and using my equipment as opposed to just saying, "I know how. I've done this before ..." Ahhh, No. I don't think so.

I know he's anxious and wants to do good, but he don't know as much as he may think or is just to easily distracted. My daughter's BF found Turkey Run beautiful when he and my daughter went - not sure where he had camped before. The BF could not comprehend when I tried to describe Zion National Park in Utah. Turkey Run, Beautiful, I love it and go there often, but compared to Zion ... it's a small natural drainage ditch. I tried to explain the difference in depth of a hollow with stream versus a canyon with river ... no concept of such vast differences I was describing. He understood, after I showed him a few photos of my last motorcycle trip and the trips we took the kids on to Europe, Las Vegas, Desert ATV rides, Helicopter rides, and other places and things. Again, I tired to stress and show priorities and some kind of education being required - he has finally gotten his High School Diploma. I ain't been to college, it wasn't/isn't for me. It's not for a lot of people, but you need kind of specialized training and a desire/love of something. He commented several times how lucky Cori was to have been able to go to and see these places - he liked a lot of the photos and video's I had of a much younger Cori - It's great to embarrass your kids when they (and you) get older. The BF is trying(?) to get his sh!t together and Jan has been helping him with school interviews and such for Automotive Technician - a love of his.

Still bothers me, Jan can invite herself along when Cori and the BF wanted to talk with me - turns into a big social thing with what she asks, dates, ages, birthdays ... - but I couldn't go with to hear about the school; a meeting at a Starbucks? Why does everyone think or want me to hate this guy? Granted, I teach, try to show things by asking questions and using examples involving the person with the question. Most times I answer questions with guiding questions - not good if they can't pick up on it, but most people can. Works really well and weeds out the people who just want answers and to not really learn. Some do not take well to this method or it just goes over their heads, but it usually works very well - even my son teaches in this way. And most people I've dealt over all my years love that method of teaching/learning. It's something that actually involves the other person and makes them feel as though they've accomplished something - Hell, answering my own questions with questions has got me to where I managed to get to. Simply supplying an answer to a question does not help or teach anyone - it's good only in matters of urgency - and is a big problem, I think, with people anymore. They just want the answer and not how or where to find or deduce it.

April 8 - 13:
My pain level went through the roof ... I was actually in tears many times, but I kept it together and managed to pack up my vehicle for camping. My thoracic and cervical vertebrae feel shot. I really couldn't even hike much on this trip. The amount of meds I took just to be able to take the short hike I did would've probably put most people down for the count. I hate taking the meds, a reason I end up with so many and need refills so infrequently - wish I could get this across to my overly cautious pain doc. But, I also know some people just take 'em if they have 'em (smoke if ya got 'em ...) and would take them for no reason just to try and avoid the most minor pain ... or to just get high. Me, I need to have a reason. And even then the d@mn meds affect me so little. Hiking and moving causes me to metabolize them much quicker - and it ain't funny. My wife, a pharmacist, is amused by my bodies defenses, liver activity, and the few bizarre side effects I can have to some of the more common innocuous drugs. And I usually have the uncommon or opposite side effects to many meds - Valium (for use as a muscle relaxant) keeps me wide awake, antidepressant's (used for nerve pain) just depress me so bad as they would a child. I think Jan has learned a lot from my reactions and my realizations of what is doing what to me, the fact I can describe it, and how some very powerful meds do so little to/for me. Several times before surgery I've had this group of professionals around me just ... staring at me. Thinking and asking, why isn't he out? And me tell'n them, "Ahhh, you're going to need a little more than that. Once they had to give me three doses. Versed is almost like water to me.

You know you go to a place too often when the ranger at the gate tells me, go pick out a space - reservation aren't needed yet - and when I come back he says, "Don' you usually stay in the 60's (site) area?" Wow, I mean I remember this guy from many of my trips down there, but he remembered me? I managed to get a site that is usually taken and is one I prefer off a small loop in the woods.

Took me a little while - pain was bad - but I got my tent setup. I've mastered setting this larger tent up by myself. I just have trouble getting the rainfly over it by myself. The dog just loves camping - wish I could have taken Marge along too. I took Obi Wan (Ben) along. Of course he slept on the air mattress with me and even slept in late a few of the days! This big 'ol +80lb Black Lab sprawled out on his side of the mattress. Getting close if he got to cold. He's such a good dog.

Seems Joe, the guy I get my firewood from all the time, is getting pretty bad off to keep split'n, stack'n, and selling wood. He would like to stop, but his friends keep tell'n him he can't and try to help him as much as they can. I must have looked pretty bad off; Joe offered to load the wood into my Jeep. But, I declined - I was already hurt'n like ... and I try really hard not to give into it.

I like going to Turkey Run while school is still in session, it's not so busy with noisy, disorderly, rude, and inconsiderate people. Nice and quiet. And most of the flora and such have yet to be trampled. Colors were still a little muted/brown, but picked up as you moved down into the hollows or approached Sugar Creek. Here's the photo album from my trip. And these are a few of my favorites.



Good camera and long exposures catch decent fire photos. The photo to the right shows how much of a mood killer a flash can be - so don't, it's annoying.

Had some great fires and played around with camera exposure on my DSLR, as usual, and played with the camera phone. Flash just kills a good campfire picture like I show in the photo album. And it kills it for everyone present and in sites next to you, SO DON'T DO IT! The reson I'm showing ya this and I had no one in sites around me.

The first night the dog and I had steaks marinated in a Garlic Hoisin Sauce. Yeah, Obi even had his own little steak, marinated, that I made for him. After that ... I just couldn't eat. I just ate a few things Jan had packed for us overthe next few days. I didn't eat the other steak until I got home - it was well marinated in the Garlic Hoisin Sauce and was really good.

The day Ben and I left for home, it rained. All night and part of the morning. I called Jan early, before she went to work, and had her go on-line and display the radar for my area. I told Jan how to turn on storm tracks and then set it in motion (animate past to current time). I had Jan describe what was going on and asked if there were any clearings coming. She said, "Yeah, it looks like your right on the edge and it's moving away ..." Cool, I can packed up even though everything is wet. I hate not having 3G service for my phone, I could have looked up the radar image if I did. But, I didn't want to wait for the page to load.

I medicated myself just as I felt the rain was going to start letting up, so it would have time to get in my system. Luckily, I packed much of the gear up the night before, before I lit this nice huge fire with my remaining wood - I sat there watching the fire, talking to the dog, cursing at the 'coons, and sipping a good Chardonnay. I just needed to contend with the tent and its contents in the morning, and pack it into the Jeep. And that was enough.

Mood: Pissed!

I was going to write, had already started, about my recent camping trip to Turkey Run State Park, but ... . Yeah, sh!t happens. I'm having some major issues with pain from my collapsing cervical and thoracic vertebrae and it's causing me a lot of distress. My recent camping trip, quite literally, had me in tears at times - during and after. I couldn't and didn't want anyone around me - +30 years and Jan still does not understand or get these periods, though they've happened throughout our life together and I have explained them and why ... and she still just doesn't get it or simply cannot except it. Talk to Jan again about this (and other) issues and I risk what had been happening up until only a few short years ago. Jan says she can deal with it now, but I'm still skeptical and really, really don't want to put her through it. Or even chance the effects should I again be so open. Actually, after a few days, I had started feeling better and not spending so much of myself/resources fighting pain and its affect - I was even talking more. There were also other incidents/occurrences within this past period that had me silent and maybe even expecting this incident with Cori.

Seems Jan won some drawing where she had our tax filings prepared. So, she ended up with $50 in iTunes gift cards. Jan, not much into music offered them to me. I scarfed them up like a junkie offered a fix, as my need for new music had been becoming quite overwhelming. Still need to upgrade the music I have in my iTunes library - 7561 Items, 70 videos, 17 movies, 1 audio book and miscellaneous things. My poor old 40GB iPod is relegated to being the workhorse for the Jeep and outside in various mountings - its battery needs replacing and can only be loaded with some of my more favorite music since it just cannot hold all my music. Even my pampered 80GB Video iPod is approaching full.

Seems Cori came home, but didn't tell Jan or me ... at least until we got this phone call. Jan answered the phone, talked, and got this puzzled look on her face. After which she handed the phone to me with a shrug saying, "It's your daughter." OK, if Cori wants to talk to me, something is wrong or she needs something only I can provide in terms of thought, technology, or brute strength (vehicle or physical). I hurt and I know I ain't gonna need this. Cori tells me she's stuck and asks if I can come get her ... pull her out - I hear the BF in the background. Cori, never exact, and the BF not much better. I get simple directions, 100 and county line. OK, are you on the North or South side of US30? "Dad! We live off a 100!", Cori snaps at me. Wow, Cori really needs to understand details - 100 North, 100 South, County Line Road for which county... . I ask, "Where are you?" Major hesitation on her part ... "A field." is the hesitant response. I go off, I am tired of this. Really, it seems these two together, Cori and the BF, are really unthinking when together and can never see nor think long term or consequence or potential consequence. Cori tells me the BF will meet me up at the road - my mind reds into this as, she's way off the road.

I gather my stuff, though I doubt the success of this endeavor - a field! Mud! Been raining all day and most of the night before! And we live in an area with a higher water table. I go off on Jan. Yeah, Jan. I've been accused of being to harsh in discipline - a major thorn in our relationship not long ago, now she reaps the rewards, this. F#ck it! This is what happens when I give into this sh!t. Expectations, SIMPLE EXPECTATIONS are not met. I'm not a tyrant, my discipline is harsh, but fair. Rewarded when goals met or exceeded with early easing or end of the discipline - but no one stops to see let alone figure this out - like sooo many situations. I reminded Jan that I've been warning her for years of the potential for Cori to do as she has been - she's almost 20, so almost 2 decades. I explain to Jan what has happened and that it is going to be her responsibility to impose punishment! And mainly because she (Jan) decided to step into that roll a few years back - I let it go. I warn Jan, if she does not handle nor truly work towards correcting this ... I can't, I can't go on like this - hell of a lot more to this, but it's all in past writings.

The car's in my name (or Jan's, I can't remember). It's Cori's only by privilege and love, but I own it. Jan immediately starts, "What would you do... ? For how long... ?" OMG, even Cori's brother asked recently, when told, "Does she still have a vehicle?" Yeah, cause that's what I would have done - in a way. Jan is not used to being the one to have to handle things of this nature. And no, I'm not a dictator. Even when I was healthy and took care of things (most everything), I always told Jan what I was doing, why, and the outcome, and what I expected them to learn or take away. But ya get ill and suddenly ... it's in a lot of my older writings from several years ago - When things basically went to Hell and Jan stepped in to be the disciplinarian. Wrote all about it and knew this could be an eventual outcome. But, I must admit, my son was old enough, my health affected him some, but he was pretty much formed and understood and was/is capable of rational, logical thought. Though there were a few minor incidents ... the beginning decline of any kind of discipline and I knew it would effect the younger one, Cori, more. As often as I told Jan, parent first and friend second. Jan cannot stand to be disliked or to argue - I wish she would with me. Not knock down drag out, but talking, discussing, expressing a feeling and saying WHY - doesn't happen. But this more severe incident, I pushed off to Jan. And when she asked, I did tell her most of what I'd do in this circumstance. And as much as I warned Jan that she'd have to lay it out, in order, completely for Cori ... Jan made assumptions. Thought that Cori would understand what she meant. And I quickly spoke with/to Jan to tell her how it was taken, what Cori was going to do in spite of what Jan thought she told Cori. Jan quickly realized and said I was right and began to lay things out in order of what is expected - piece by piece as if building a watch. I hate this ... I see it all ... I usually handle it ... I understand each individual's personality, quirks, level of logic, and thought processes (amuses Jan, and the kids hate it/me for it).

My neck and back causing so much pain in my neck, right chest/lung, and extremities, but I get the stuff together and start off. Jan wants to go. I say, "No!" She'd be in the way and as mad as she'd probably be, it would turn into a social event as it usually does when she's around. I told her, "You can invite yourself along when Cori and the BF want to talk to me (big social event is what it became). And then you exclude me, tell me "No", when I offer to go with to talk with the recruiter of a technical school the BF is thinking of attending." Technical school. something I've actually dealt with. I told her, "I'll call ya later."

Guess I'm not fast enough? I find the BF not far from the house along the road. I pick him up. He tells me, when I asked, "Cori wanted to go off-roading... ." Sorry, I do know my daughter a little better than that, but I go along with the farce for now. We approach a small turn off for farm equipment to enter a hilly field from the road, basically a hole in the fence. I ask where and the BF points. The fields been plowed, but not this year, I think. I enter and head to a ridge up high near a fence line running into the field. I finally see Cori's vehicle. I just stop my Jeep and turn to the BF - eye's closed, deep breath and I ask, "Tell me what you see ... what is the lay of the land." Response, "It's down lower ... it's mud ..." I say look at it. See the color or actually THE LACK OF COLOR? Meaning it is probably so wet most plants won't grow. It was tore up good (by others?). I tell the BF, you notice how I entered this field ... the high ground? I wouldn't drive down there unless I had my vehicle setup for this type of stuff - I once had, as a teen, a Jeep CJ5 with a huge winch and large tires, it could do this. Cori even mentioned at one point, " ... it says my car's Trail Rated." I throw back, not in its current configuration. I drive around this obvious muck pit where the rain water is sitting as the field cannot absorb anymore water. I get close enough to where my cable will reach the vehicle and back to my hooks.

Still, it does not look promising. They've run it so the axles are resting on the field and it did sink up to the frame while I was there. I had the BF DIG! All over. I pointed out to him and my daughter the tires. Not made for this, the treads to narrow and now filled with mud - they'd become slicks just as the photos below show. I tried to get it some room to rock, but the frame was hung up. I ask and then remind them both about the water table in this area and how high it is, and this is why these low spots in the farm fields ... FLOOD and remain as mud even when it's +90° out!

The BF points out spots to attach the cable. I point out the various brake and other lines where he wants to attach. He wants to attach to an A arm. I explain the design of the A arm is great for pivoting/steering and the support of up and down trauma in driving, but that pulling on it is not such a good idea - worrisome in that he wants to become a mechanic (automotive technician)(kinda thinks he already is). Just the facts of what he seems to know of vehicles worried me as to why they are here. During their discussions, between Cori and the BF, I hear what I thought had actually happened, though they've not yet shared to information with me, intentionally anyway. How long will the charade continue?

I get the BF to dig out in front and behind each wheel - not that it's going to work with the frame sitting on the ground, but it made me feel better! And surprisingly, he does not see/realize this? I gave the BF a patio brick and a tarp I'd brought along - finally got the cable around a solid part of the front axle with no lines or anything in the way (talked him out of trying to use the sway bar as a hook up point). I explained, give it just enough gas to keep the wheels from spinning, at least until/if it moves. I begin my pull, but he's already got the wheels spinning. I'm to close, the muck is to bad - knew it wouldn't work. I announce, "We're done. Pack up and lock the vehicle. The BF, "No, it moved" No, no it didn't. I then tell him I'm now stuck, which he can't see as my tires are maybe down just an inch. But these are not offroad tires, he don't get it and the way the mud is. I've got better ground clearance, 18" tires, didn't dig myself in deep, and as much as I hate an automatic transmission, I can slap it around pretty good to rock my vehicle (despite how hard it is on the transmission). I do get out with a little pushing help from Cori and the BF - the BF tell'n Cori to step back and me saying, "Ahh, no she's helping to... ."

The BF wants to keep digging. "Dig all night long if he has to", he announces. And then go and get a friend who was a large 4x4 Blazer type vehicle. Sorry, I don't trust them and this bit-o stupidity is going to cost my daughter to have it done right to minimize and possibly negate potential damage. It's suppose to rain for the next few days and this needs to be done. I'm patient, but in the face of stupidity ... I will lose it. I warn them both I'm close to losing my cool and may start speaking rather harsh, brash, and bluntly. But it will always be the truth (as one sided as it may seem to them; they who cannot see nor step outside the situation for realization). As I have the two of them sitting on the back of my Jeep I remind them of various things, incidents, and such. Though it would have amused me, having the BF out here digging all night as he wanted, it was to no end. I explained the logic of it to them both and what needed to be done to get it out. I also tell Cori she's paying for everything. I explain, again, they think nothing through, nothing exists beyond the immediate, there are no what-if or consequences. They are not behaving as a couple! One checks the other (like I've got a lot of room to talk, but over the three decades it is something I continually try to address to get Jan to express and explain, with a reason, what and why she thinks as she does or wants to do as she does. And Jan will at times offer up some thoughts). I shout there will be consequences from this little stunt, the first being monetary. And I had better not be questioned any longer in my own house about my decisions or requests - I directed this to the BF and Cori in particular - as they are for reasons they just cannot see and are meant to teach or cause some realization, not pure punishment. The 4 hour rule I brought up again since Cori was present. And the fact it had only ever been enforced ONCE. Though they were sure it was whacked (they said f#cked) and I pointed out they never stopped to realize the breaks and considerations that I had given them and 4 hours was only ever achieved once - nothing exists but the here and now, and rules the man imposes on us, man! The BF repeatedly apologizing for that. But I tell them both, I ain't going to be as accommodating as I've been.

It was during this talk that it came out, from the BF, that it was his fault they were out there - finally, the charade ends! The BF pleading, "Please don't take it out on Cori ... It was my idea ... I wanted to teach her how to handle a slide ... ." OK, we got partial truth, but not complete. Why the Hell are you way down here then? And Cori is equally at fault. It's her vehicle and again, I point out they are not functioning as a couple. Question those desires, impulses, and decisions that seem NOT THE FRACK RIGHT!. I also explain I knew he was lying to me when we came out here! "Cori's idea", and THAT'S what really pisses me off - I HATE LIARS. BF claimed to have some money coming in and he'd pay for the recovery. No! What about your wanting to attend school? He has no family, no support system - He ain't think'n, again - I still think he's going to be stupid with the money. Think short term if someone does not help him and just blow it on something. While I didn't say this, Cori has a support system. Jan and I will have to absorb this until she begins her summer job - screws us up good - but Cori will pay for all of this and she will do without a few things princess may desire or even need, but can do without. And I plan on making sure that Jan keeps the help to a minimum ... the minimum Cori will need next year for school. Life has been to easy - for both of them, but especially for Cori. And the BF needs to start making some responsible, forward looking decisions. If I appear as a Hard-Ass by things I've written, well ya should see me when I get upset. Especially at stupidity and lying.

More, but this would be way too long. Cori can only use the vehicle to come home ... to the house, around school, and work. NO WHERE ELSE. BF ain't coming over for awhile. When Cori asked Jan, "How long ..." Jan said, "Until I cool off ... I don't know." And as I told Cori and the BF as they sat on the back of my Jeep, "I will never tell Cori who to date ... I don't care who she dates or what she or they do ... it's her life. But, she'd better start acting a little more intelligent 'cause while I wouldn't tell her how to act or what to do (maybe some suggestions or questions (I'm still a parent)), it doesn't mean I have to be silent or that I have to like it or allow the other person or HER in my house. And I warned Cori that while the vehicle is her's (basically to use) ... I own it, it is mine, and I can and will take it away. I warned Cori of the potential problems which could now show up from the mud and such. And that if I thought a maintenance item was due to this stunt, she was paying for it, not me, not mom. Cori has actually been acting slightly humbled(?) by this whole incident.

The BF wanted to stay with Cori as she waited for the tow truck, but like I told Jan, Cori needs to handle this and needs to do the thinking. Not the BF as he usually tries. And that the BF needed to go home, now. Well, first tow truck said no way. Next one Jan had Cori call, though Jan seemed to do most of the talking, it took a rather large wrecker, three winch line extensions (Cori was a ¼ mile from the road), the vehicle had to be lifted (wheel lift), and then they had to get more equipment, another large 4x4 and some J Hooks. Jan asked me how much I thought it would be. I told her. And a bit later, when Jan told me about the extra equipment required (cables and another vehicle), I told her that brings the price up. She asked how much - and I have no idea how I know prices of various things - and I said $250-$300. It was $300!

Cori hinted about seeing the BF the next day, a school day, when I told her that she was going to wash her car before going back to school - and my Jeep. And Cori is paying for this too. The wash cost about $60! The BF was going to wash her Jeep?! - I called Jan and I was rather harsh. I told her what was about to transpire and that she (Jan) had not spelled it out completely. Jan thought sure Cori got it, but I've been trying for so many years, I know better. Jan called and set Cori straight. Sorry, I love my daughter, but I honestly believe she might try and drive home to see the BF. If it happens, if I catch her, I will take the car away even for school; unless Cori agrees to, and purchases a tracking device. Yeah I know, I'm such a D!ck.

I hurt so bad from all I had to do and it took so much away from my pain control, I'm still reeling. I had to go to bed early the past few nights. After we washed the Jeeps I took Cori out to Starbucks and we talked, though she said little. I kept my cool and tried to get common sense and reason across to her. Why did she do it? And here's the kicker, it showed she had thought this through; she said, "Because you made it sound like so much fun." The give aways - the conversations between the two of them the day before as to the reasons they were out there, and the ever so slight smile and glean in Cori's eye as she clearly said this. I didn't buy it. I was no where near my 20's when I did stuff like that and even when I did I had a vehicle setup to do it - strip mines, fields, mudding. Something I clearly said when it was talked about the one night. A car ... with highway tires, and this BF wants to do cars?! There's more, but this has been long enough . . .. Cor still washed her vehicle haphazardly and I had to do some of it, but I made her clean the inside out as I did it.

This song verse comes to mind ... it often comes to mind as it's in many other of my posts - gotta stop use'n it. I wanted to use it on previous entries, especially the Merry-Go-Round entry, but forgot. It's from Val Emmich, The Patient Patient

I keep dangling from a string
I keep narrowly escaping
What I would do to be less confused

It costs a lot to live
But, it ain't money that I'm paying with
So remember this
My words are veins
Through which my lifeblood spits

Mood: Grounded

What is going on? My motorcycle parts guy called me ... laptop problems. He called over the weekend and I talked him through a few things to try, but he called me again on Tuesday. He spent hours on the phone with support people trying to get into his laptop. I got into in about 2 minutes! Whoa. He was finally try'n to put an antivirus and firewall application on it. But, it wouldn't load. I figured he'd probably pissed off what ever infections he did have. So, I told him I'd give it a try and took his laptop.

The mechanic told me they took his laptop in under warranty after they determined that, yep, it was a hardware video issue ... exactly what I told him. That and it was heat related. I guess I'll be helping him with his memory issues and restoring a few things once he gets the laptop back. I don't charge them, but they do take care of me and my motorcycle.

Then my daughter called me. Her laptop is acting weird. Then she called again and said she was bringing it home to me today! I wished she learn a few basics. And maybe then I could help her over the phone. I've set it up for remote access, but she won't test it with me and then doesn't want to do it when she does have trouble!

I found a few interesting tools to aid me with Dano's laptop - my motorcycle parts guy. The one tool, Virus Effect Remover, was handy. I couldn't run Task Manager or even restore to a previous point in time till I found this application. Dano's had the machine for sometime and got the machine from some guy who got in it from this chick .... OK, and that means he doesn't have the disks for it - I was right. I think I managed to back up his photos of his kids - I try not to look at people's personal stuff. But I told him I did copy it, I think, and that I had a copy on my NAS. If Dano could not backup his stuff I told him I'd do it for him, but no guarantees. I hate doing it because I can't say it will work. A reason I try to get the owners of the machines I work on to back it up, and is what I told him.

I finally managed to hack my way into the system, stop various services, and things forcing themselves to run and got the Virus Scanner and Firewall installed. But his system needs to be re-loaded, it really does - I told and showed him this when I returned it. I removed over 47 infections on just trying to boot it! His Internet Browser's are being re-directed and all kinds of goofy stuff. I ran a full scan when I gave him his system back and showed him what was going on - it had found +120 more infections (various trojan horses and many other nasties) before I left! And it was still running. I warned him the system may not even boot after this cleaning! He's going to try and backup his photos and get some XP disks. Then, I guess, I'll be reloading it. I had to remove some d@mn Comcast application that kept trying to start InternetExplorer and part of why the scanner had trouble installing - there were 3 and 4 copies of IE running, I found them once I got the Task Manager back up and running. I like these guys that say, "I don't run anything and I don't have any virus's!" Ah huh, they just haven't looked! A few that said this the other day, said something a little different today! "Well, my computer does say a few random things ... but I can live with it", yeah. Just wait. Luckily most of them have listened to me and maybe I'll get a few paying customers out of this? Still, I worry about the business's system and wireless network. But, all I can do is warn the guy . . ..

Still feel'n like cr@p!? But, I think Obi the dog and I are going to go camping next week. At least this is what Janice is tell'n me. I think she just wants to work a butt-load-o hours - easier if I'm gone. Means I have to go through the equipment my daughter and BF used last week. Now, just having some tea and wait'n for Cori to call.

Mood: Linear ...

Post For March 27:
Today we see if my camping equipment, which I would never entrust to my daughter alone, but did to her and her Boy Friend (BF), comes back as it left. I openly admit to being list, order, procedure driven (anal) - Although, Jan says I hide it well. Somehow I think she's joking when she says this? Jan is arranging for the dog, Obi Wan, and I to go camping this early April. I'd love to take Maggie and even Max along, but Max can't and won't climb or walk that much anymore. Maggie, she's a little neurotic, but such a good girl and does behave when we're camping and doesn't bark like she does at home. But, it's hard for me to walk/climb holding two dog leashes. Of course, it all depends on the condition of the equipment when it returns. I know I'll have to go through it and re-order/re-pack it and ensure it's all there, still. Cori called me last night and asked, "Do you have a potato peeler in here?" Ahhh, Yeah! There always had been, though I don't use it, except when Jan is with me since I eat the skin - I just wash the potatoes. Not acceptable to Cor, I told her it should be in the silverware tray; unless her mother took it out ... it's always been there and is something even Jan remembers/knows I have when I told her about Cori's call later.

I'm eating so little, why ain't I hungry? Why can't I eat? And I'm sleeping so d@mn much ... this ain't me! Bother's the heck outta me. I'm anxious to see what this next thyroid test in a month or two shows. All I've been eating is some bread products, yogurt, some fruits, and some grains (granola) - the majority all certified organic. I eat this way, have always tended to. But I gotta have my meat, though I liked it better when we'd buy a cow from a farmer we knew. I can't eat and typically don't buy meat from stores. Jan goes to a butcher who knows everything we like and how - he knows I hate gas and will only use wood chunks for cooking steaks outside even in the middle of winter and he's the same way.

Tonight, Jan and I are going out for a quick bite, Noodles. so I get to sit here at Starbucks and wait to meet up with her after she gets off work. One of the girls here at Starbucks asked me a week ago what she should get as she handed me this menu. It was for a Noodle Place that had opened last November - I'd never seen it? It's kinda hidden ... right out in front of the road, Jan didn't even know about it. I recommended the Pad Thai - real rice noodles. She said I was the second person to tell her that and she had never had it before. OK, takes me a minute to get past the smell of good Pad Thai, but it's not a problem after the first bite. I mentioned the question and place to Jan and she met me here at Starbucks a week ago and we went there too. Jan just made faces at the smell from the Pad Thai as I scarfed it down, or as much as I could. Now Jan is stuck on these noodles. But, Jan sorta eats the more plain type noodles and I like the Asian types/dishes - I love rice noodles. So, Jan signed up on-line and got certificates and such for a buy-one-get-one-free - she signed me up too, so that's what we're having tonight.

Some new music! Luckily, Jan claims to like this artist too, so she let me get the new Matt Nathanson iTunes Live release I found today - more an acoustic set, 7 songs. I went ahead and did the iTunes Plus Upgrade to my other, older, lesser account that I've been able to keep up with so far. Jan is saving so I can Upgrade my main account that now sits at +614 pieces or about +1844 total songs. So glad the laptop's as stable as it is now. Downloading and processing the iTunes music has my system pegged at 100% CPU. But I can still write, listen to music, and it ain't crash'n like it used to do.

I ended up fixing my wireless systems at home. The Wii has been trying to update, but going nowhere? My AirPort Express keeps going ... away? For whatever reason I had to fix the Access Point (AP) in the bedroom - I could've swore I had set its SSID from the default; I even wrote down in my notes that I had? So this weird Linksys device showing up and broadcasting its presence has been fixed. I always turn SSID broadcast off, always. And then the dining room AP was acting up - why, I think, the Wii suddenly could no longer update or access the net. I ended up resetting it and starting from scratch when I couldn't access the Web Interface I normally use - I can't stand these d@mn automatic programs they always want you to use. I used this update to change the device's address to conform to my home's new Intranet Configuration and Numbering scheme I wrote up early this year when I added the Untangle Router/Front-end to my Internet access. I really need to update the OS on these APs. Why can't I just use them as repeaters or Bridges with the vendor's OS. I don't need a router ... I need a repeater/bridge/switch/AP. These device always have a router in them, a router I don't need! I've not been able to walk into, say, a Best Buy and just get a switch/hub/repeater with an AP. There's always a router. My Belkin, which my daughter now uses at college to allow her wired and wireless access, could be configured to be a repeater, it freed up all the switch ports and I could connect it, using the labeled Internet connection, to my main switch in the basement.

This is probably my bad, but it used to be, I could have swore, that SSIDs were pretty much considered case insensitive by many devices. Don't know if it is the standard, but it was how many of my older devices acted/behaved - where APRoom1 and aproom1 were the same, things connected. Well, this time when I reconfigured the dining room Router/Switch/AP I didn't use caps in the naming I normally use - OMG, I broke a procedure I've been doing for years! Afterwards, the Wii would still not hookup to the AP. Luckily, being so detail oriented (anal), my first thought as to why it was still not working was; the SSID is case sensitive - I noticed/realize the smallest, quirkiest details. I went into the Wii and removed the caps from the SSID and it hooked up! So now, I have to check out the AirPort Express, which probably has the same issue - See, this is why it so nice to always do things using an established methodology. I could just reset the SSID in the two Router/Switch/APs to use the caps, but there's no fun in that.

I hate the AirPort Express, it's such a pain to talk to and why I can't get it to remember its password on whatever Keychain it wants to save it on, I don't know. I can't get to it with its Amber Flashing LED. Apple's instructions? Plug it in and it will work! Ouuuuu, magic! Really, this is basically what the little instruction manual that comes with it says. Stop it! I don't want your d@mn defaults, I just want to talk to and configure it without the use of some stupid little interface program! I do Windows, I'm not a MAC. It's always so fun trying to configure this little thing. I'll probably have to use a hard hookup, again, to reset it and then reconfigure it. All 'cause I don't use the defaults. I managed, just yesterday, to update its firmware and even print afterwards. But now? Nada! But really, once this little $99 device is up and running, do'n what it's suppose to, I Love It. Despite the configuration issues I'm planning on buying another to move between the bedroom stereo system and outside.

It has been nice as of late. I've been able to get out on the motorcycle and even took the mower out and thrashed up the leaves still sitting on the side lawn. Still there because this little short guy - I think he had a Napoleon complex with being so short - decided since I had these big trees in my yard running the length of the three yards I butt up against that he would plant a very close row of pine trees along his entire property line! It's just killing these mature flowering trees that have been there for decades before I even moved in. The guy didn't stay long, just long enough to really piss off a few neighbors with his weirdness. But now I have these pine trees close together growing quite large and they now block the wind. So the leaves that used to just blow away into the woods ... just sit there. The d@mn trees make it a little dark on that side of the yard. Well, I took the mower, as lousy as I felt, and cut up the leaves and kind of moved 'em around.

I needed to do this so the grass could get some light and so I could see the moles that are becoming active. They're coming over from the neighbor's and crossing back and fourth. I'm still the only one who takes care of them. Obi hears them and just wants to dig 'em up so bad. Yesterday, I gassed one tunnel and set the trap on another I had pushed down and had come back up from the day before. This morning, I had me a catch. Now's the time to get them, before they have their young. The ground is soft enough I could get the trap into the ground without much trouble. So, this was the prize in my Choker trap this morning. I pushed down some other new tunnels and gave the catch to Obi to throw around a little. I want him to let me know when and where he hears them, but not dig them up - I'll do that for him. Jan is a little miffed that I'm now three up on the dog. But, I don't scar the yard up as bad as he does digging. Sometimes I think, randomly, but always on a tunnel.

Good noodles. And the Airport Express, I had to hardwire it to my switch in the dining room and I fixed the SSID so it was all lowercase. It kinda-started working. Once, after a reboot, it showed an issue on the device with a blinking amber LED, but the interface application said, Nope, it's green! Then after some mucking around and another reboot the application said, Yeah! It's amber! But the device showed a green LED! Wow, I hate talking to this thing. I took it, when the device showed green, and plugged it back into the unswitched outlet on the back of the Carver pre-amp and all was good again. Glad I didn't have to reset it.